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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 24, 2022
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Distressed student found hiding in Hamm’s fort

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Finals are coming up at UW-Madison, which means that students are looking for ways to cope. For some, this means hitting the books early to prevent the need to pull all-nighters. For others, this means trying out meditation and going for walks on the Lakeshore Path to unwind. For at least one student, the solution is clear: hide.

Will Spackley, 21, had not been seen or heard from by his own roommates for over a week. If not for the overwhelming smell of stockpiled Crunchwrap Supremes, it likely would have only been a matter of time before he was presumed to be dead.

Spackley’s roommates were initially unphased when they saw their buddy carry rack after rack of Hamm’s — the “okay enough” beer — to his room. But after putting up with Enya emanating from his room for hours on end, the trio collectively entered the room to figure out what the hell was going on.

“I was both concerned for the well-being of Will and enamored by the beauty of the structure,” one roommate, Leo, said.

The architectural wonder was, indeed, a sight to behold. Made primarily out of 30 packs, it was tall enough to allow its 6’1” creator to stand with a significant hunch and wide enough to allow a full on “lay on stomach and repeatedly punch and kick the floor” toddler tantrum. 

Spackley was first spotted through his castle’s window, which had been covered by a piece of loose leaf paper stating that there were “No TAs allowed.” He was said to have been slowly rocking in a fetal position while wearing a torn, sweat-stained white t-shirt that appeared to have actually been intentionally cut by safety scissors. In addition, he donned what he adamantly stated was his “crown,” which was actually just an empty case of beer that once held the cans that, as evidenced by the smell, now act as  makeshift urinals. 

The sight of familiar faces did nothing to ease the mind of poor Will Spackley. In fact, later reports indicate that his roommates joined him in the fort and have been singing “Varsity” while sitting criss-cross applesauce and slowly swaying with their arms around each other. 

There is no specific date for when the roommates will emerge. However, it is expected that most will begrudgingly exit to take their finals, while the other will remain with the hope that he can join his father’s roofing business if he flunks all of his classes.

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