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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Leonardo DiCaprio still unaware that Oscar win result of elaborate inception

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Leonardo DiCaprio woke up from a long and luscious slumber early this morning to his fake golden statue, still blissfully unaware that the award is the result of a very complex and well-planned inception.

DiCaprio is known for hit movies such as “Titanic,” “The Revenant” and of course, “Inception.” Over the course of his acting career, DiCaprio has played many characters that have trouble discerning reality from fakeness. They include Dominick Cobb from “Inception“ and Teddy Daniels from “Shutter Island.” Playing these characters resulted in the actor’s continued ignorance, despite many hints that he didn’t win, including this story.

The global community agreed to plant the alternate reality into DiCaprio’s consciousness after Matt Damon won the best actor award instead of DiCaprio, resulting in the star bursting into tears for losing yet again. “We pinned him down and forced him to undergo the inception. It was just too hard to watch. We needed to ease his pain, he was like a little injured puppy when he lost. I mean, come on, all he wanted was a little recognition. It doesn’t need to be real recognition, but as long as he thinks it’s real, he’ll be happy,” said lead inception engineer John Marconie.

Despite DiCaprio’s delusion, it has still been very difficult to keep the secret. He has turned out to be not just a sore loser, but also an even worse winner. Repeated jeers and taunts toward Matt Damon for losing have caused Damon to come incredibly close to revealing the secret that all 7 billion people but Dicaprio know and have tested Damon’s patience to the absolute max. 

At press time, DiCaprio could be seen patrolling Damon’s house, pretending the golden statue was his genitals and continually chanting, “It’s not your fault,” a clear reference to Damon’s movie “Good Will Hunting.”

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