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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Hozier anxiously awaits his ride to church while singing his hit song “Take Me to Church” much to the annoyance of friends and family.

Friends, family of Hozier tired of him asking for rides to local church

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Indie rock singer and devout Christian Andrew Hozier-Byrne is reportedly sick of asking for rides to his local church, “Faith Church for the Hip of Heart.”

Hozier is known for his 2014 hit song “Take Me to Church,” written as a literal request to his mom for a ride. Since then, he has performed the song hundreds of times, each time greatly desiring to be picked up from his current location and taken to church.

“I think everyone’s patience is wearing thin,” said Andrew’s mom, Raine Hozier-Byrne. “He’s a multi-millionaire and has had his driver’s license for years. There’s really no reason for him to need rides so often. Last week he told me people should just know when he needs a ride and he shouldn’t have to ask every time.”

The musician couldn’t be reached for comment, but close friend and pastor Thomas Blank speculated that the main reason he always needs rides is because he has a drinking problem. 

Hozier frequently sings his other hit song “Cherry Wine,” which depicts his love for the sweet-tasting alcoholic beverage, at most of his concerts.

“I applaud him really. At least he’s responsible enough to realize he’s too intoxicated to drive. It really could be much worse, but I do wish he’d show up to confession sober at least once,” said Pastor Blank.

Hozier’s friends and family have lately been ignoring his entitled nature in an attempt at tough love. Only time will tell if this approach will be successful, but one thing is certain: Hozier is struggling to cope with the sudden abandonment. He was last seen learning about what Uber is for the first time in his life.

At press time the indie star’s patience had grown far thinner, singing the song on repeat at his past concert.

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