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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Almanac Animal Review: Proboscis Monkey

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

PHYSICAL TRAITS: Just a regular monkey, nothing too crazy here.

CAREER GOALS: Watch me in every moment forever and ever and ever. And ever.

PRIMARY FLAWS: A tad nosey. Overly sensitive about unpleasant scents.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Diligent intelligence agent with a great smile and expressive eyes.

Final Score: 8/10


Sshhh, he’s probably really close. I narrowly escaped his nosey presence just moments ago. Bob, my annoying neighbor, is a proboscis monkey who has brought deep horror and paranoia to my life since he moved in moments ago. My blood pumped and sweat pooled in my groin as he introduced himself, his voice muffled by his massive nose. “I am Bob. I heard you on the phone, how are your hemorrhoids?” My heart sank into the pit of my chest. How did he know this? Am I safe? Why does he look so much like that blue guy from Spongebob?

Wood creaked and wind howled as I cowered in my rocking chair thinking of ways to hide my life  from Bob. He knew about it all: my kangaroo observations in Australia last month, my mother’s favorite flavor of ice cream and my opinions on Donald Trump’s cat (it’s adorable). The things I’ve learned about the species haunt me as I tremble in fear, reminded of Bob’s presence with every one of his loud communicative honks.

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The only time Bob wasn’t watching my every move was when he and his wife made sweet noisy love. Proboscis monkeys have sex in less than 30 seconds on average; Bob used this efficiency to ensure my every action is monitored. At one point I managed to sneak away to the bathroom to apply my hemorrhoids medicine. In that half a minute, I thought I was in the clear-—I really did—but moments later his silhouette was there, standing in the shower, analyzing every little red bump in my most vulnerable moment. I screamed, ran out of my house and tore down the street. How could I be so stupid? I got lazy, I should have been more careful. He will always be there. Watching. Waiting……..He is coming.

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