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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Renowned sexpert suggests public urination, chemistry lessons as top ways to combat sexual frustration

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The Madison Police Department and American Chemistry Society released a statement early Saturday morning highlighting a correlation between the recent doubling of urination citations and the increase in chemistry enrollment, ultimately  attributing sexually frustrated couples as the main culprits.

The world renowned expert of sex, Aleigha “pound-town” Haut, sat down with two Cardinal reporters to discuss why the increasing trend is actually a positive thing. 

Known for her new book “51 Shades of Get It On,” Haut has counseled countless couples to be the best they can be for their partner. With Valentine’s Day just under a year away, Haut’s work has never been more important. 

Haut’s expertise in sexual fantasy along with her deep affinity for chemistry makes her the perfect candidate to explain why these odd occurrences are connected, and how the general public can benefit from them.

“Let us talk about ancestry shall we?” Haut whispered in an atmospheric tone. “Millennia ago, men established their prowess by overpowering and urinating on the nearest man, marking their territory and demonstrating to females that their genes are worthy of being passed down.” 

“Excuse me, just the thought of marking territory gets my blood pumpin’ and my loins churnin’,” said a visibly flushed Haut.  

Unfortunately for one of the reporters on the scene, his partner was an avid follower of Haut’s work and regrettably was the nearest man to compete with.

Urination, she explained, was a way of simplifying the courtship routine that so many potential partners are tired of going through. By simply relieving yourself on your competition, you cancel out the hours of wasted time and hundreds of dollars that are required to woo a date. 

This plan, Haut explained, would dramatically increase revenue for the United States and increase productivity “by a gigantic amount.”

Haut transitioned to the confusing correlation between sexually frustrated couples and chemistry in order to explain the increased enrollment.  

“Have you ever asked yourself why the female black widow spider eats the male after mating? They clearly have some great chemistry and trust between them, which brings me to my next tip: Learn chemistry to make chemistry. Nothing puts people in the mood more than amino acids and knowledge of the periodic table.” 

Haut went on to talk about how she may be responsible for this strange increase due to the conclusion of “51 Shades of Get It On” where Eduardo urinates on Jake. Showing zero regret for this, she promises more strange occurrences next year with her sequel “52 Shades of Let’s Bang”

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At press time, public urination citations were continuing to rise along with chemistry class enrollment, a win-win in the eyes of the renowned sexpert.

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