Cue explosions.
First and first mostly, because I respect you, we need to talk about using the term infection instead of disease. Ear infections are easy to solve—just like their sexually transmitted counterparts—whereas ear diseases are pretty serious and can be difficult to live with. So we say infection! Ya know, connected.
Sexually transmitted infections are just like other infections, including the common cold, the flu and strep throat.
The three most common STIs are human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia and herpes, each of which are seen two to three times a week at University Health Services (UHS).
HPV and herpes are viruses and are both passed from person to person through skin-to-skin contact, meaning condoms are about 70 percent effective in preventing infection.
HPV, known as the “common cold” of STIs, can cause genital warts and cervical cancer. It’s important for everyone under 25 to get the Gardasil vaccine, available at UHS. Herpes causes painful lesions and is a “friend for life.” However many retroviral drugs exist that help lessen the virus’s effects.
The herpes virus resonates in hundreds of strains, however the two “sexually transmitted” are Herpes simplex virus-1 (HSV-1) and Herpes simplex virus-2 (HSV-2). HSV-1 is known as oral herpes while HSV-2 is genital herpes. However, the two are not site specific and can be passed from mouth to genitals and/or genitals to mouth. If we have an outbreak of sores, it’s best to avoid sexual contact with mucous membranes, including the mouth and genitals. Be very carefy, Cinderelly!
Chlamydia is a fluid-spread bacteria, so condoms are uber effective when used correctly. Ninety-eight percent, great job! Although symptoms include things like atypical discharge and uncomfortable urination, the most common symptom is no symptom at all. Because chlamydia is the leading cause of infertility in female-bodied people, it is vital to get tested frequently if we have multiple partners and unprotected sex.
As students, we pay student-segregated fees, some of which go toward funding UHS. That means we’ve already paid for STI testing. Yay! If we’re concerned about risk, we should head to 333 East Campus Mall and get tested (and while you’re there, stop by Sex Out Loud for some free safer sex supplies! #interruptingplug2k14).
Lucky for us, other STIs like gonorrhea and HIV aren’t very present on campus. Although HIV, human immunodeficiency virus, isn’t present in the Masdison area, it is very serious. Doctors and epidemiologists at UHS have a comprehensive understanding of which activities put us at the most risk of coming into contact with HIV and can help answer any questions we may have.
The five fluids that can pass along HIV are blood, semen, vaginal secretions, precome annnnnnd breast milk. Yahoo! Saliva, you ask? Nah, a person would have to swallow gallons and gallons of saliva to ingest enough “virus” to infect themselves. So kiss away!
Because our risk is higher if we have more partners, people with multiple fornication friends should be tested every six months. People with monogamous arrangements can stick to being tested about once a year.
Now that we’re all experts, let’s learn some fun facts about STIs!
Herpes is transmittable to human nipples. Cool! If we find ourselves with a cold sore, we shouldn’t be engaging in either oral sex on a penis, vulva nor nip nips. The more you know.
We can get chlamydia in our throats. And there’s no way to test for it. Neat-O! If we find ourselves passing chlamydia along to people even though we’ve tested negative for it genitally, we need to talk to our doctor about antibiotics.
(What’s that? Another fun fact!?) All it takes is two doses of antibiotics to rid ourselves of chlamydia. That’s less than strep throat. Easy peasy, Vegas it is.
Every animal on the planet has one species of lice specific to its hair/fur. Except humans. Humans have head lice and crabs. The lice known as “crabs” are actually the same lice that are native to gorilla fur. So like, we were having sex with apes while evolving. Chew on that.
Using condoms and sex dams during oral sex can actually prevent passing along STIs. But so few people use them! Why why why?! Most people report not using condoms during oral sex because they taste bad, the lube is unappealing to the mouth and they inhibit pleasure on the penis! However, if we’re engaging in sexual activities with people we don’t know, they’re basically necessary!
Somebody invented flavored condoms and lube, and simple math will tell us why! We should lube up that flavored condom on whichever fish we wish (read: penis we choose) and just suck away! It’ll enhance everyone’s experience and ensure us we aren’t coming into contact with things we’d rather avoid.
Speaking of enhanced experience, people who don’t have to worry about STIs report having more fun in the bedroom. Like, duh! The less stressed we are, the less anxious and reclusive we become. If we’re sexually active, we need to get tested and make sure our partner does, too! The weight off our shoulders becomes the wind in our sails! Metta-phores.
So how do we ensure our partners get tested? Talk to them about it! Saying something smooth like, “I really want to have unprotected sex with you! Getting tested is super easy and fo’ free at UHS! We can go together! Let’s bone to celebrate when we get our results back!” We can even say it with fewer exclamation marks! There are just so many options.
STIs are a serious subject. For more jokes on the topic, please email sex@dailycardinal.com to have your politically correct ideals shattered to the ground. Alex’s ideals are real, American made. Shop premium ideals. Creamulum.
