This week, the Badger football team took their bye week a little too seriously. They have been seen throughout Madison truly “taking it easy,” sources say.
“I heard yoga would be good for the players to stretch out and stay loose, so I suggested they try it out,” head coach Gary Andersen said. “I never knew they would get so into it.”
After trying out the practice earlier this week, many players have become hooked enough to give up football, even if that means forgoing millions of dollars in the NFL in addition to their scholarships to the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
“Man, why would I want to go get hit and run around when I can find the center of my spirit in here?” redshirt sophomore running back Melvin Gordon said.
Gordon refused to be interviewed anywhere except Madtown Yoga, where he now spends 12-16 hours of his day. He says he wants to be a professional yogi now instead of becoming a professional football player. Throughout the duration of the interview, he stayed in the upward tree pose.
Gordon is not the only star player who does not want to take the field after a relaxing bye week. Redshirt senior linebacker Chris Borland also found he prefers to stay off the field.
“I got a manicure on Sunday, and let me tell you, it was great,” Borland said. “Football tears your hands up. Just because I can bench press a small car doesn’t mean my cuticles don’t need to be pampered.”
Andersen is worried by this trend, but he admits he hasn’t given it a chance.
“I thought these guys were tough, the kind who love the grind of hard work. Apparently, they’re not,” Andersen said. “Maybe I’m missing out. Maybe I should try one of these pumpkin spice lattes they’re talking about.”
The Badger team has generally been thought of as a hard-nosed, blue collar football team, but this newfound softness might put in on par with fashion-obsessed Oregon.
When asked for comment about the issue, Athletic Director and former coach Barry Alvarez grunted, shook his head and walked away, disappointed.
