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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 28, 2024

FAKE NEWS FRIDAY: University utilizes Craigslist in new chancellor search

Citing the difficulty in finding a new chancellor for UW-Madison, the school quietly posted an ad to the market of Craigslist. The ad, titled “APPLY AND START ASAP – CHANCELLOR” was quickly noticed by students sifting through the customer service section on the site.

The alluring ad begins: “ARE YOU GOOD AT CUSTOMER SERVICE AND DIRECTING A BIG TEN UNIVERSITY/FLAGSHIP COLLEGE FOR THE ENTIRE STATE OF WISCONSIN?”

The entire post, in all capital letters in varying sizes and colors, makes it clear the university is seeking someone who is “DRIVEN, FRIENDLY, PREFERABLY HAD EXPERIENCE MANAGING A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR ENTERPRISE.”

While to many the ad appears to be crude, the near five thousand applications and resumes sent in at least show it was effective. Regardless, the Search and Screen Committee has had a fairly easy time whittling down possible candidates thanks to the fact that, according to the chair, “Yeah... from the preliminary responses, it looks like most applicants stopped reading after the title.”

The chair explained, “Many of these folks are pretty unqualified for this position, but we have found some with an unorthodox moxie to them. I’d never seen a resume made in MS Paint before, or so many revealing pictures of muscular men. It’s that sort of ingenuity and out-of-the-box thinking that makes a good chancellor.”

Interim chancellor David Ward, found in his usual evening fine leather chair at Maduro’s Cigar Bar, when asked about this development commented “Bullocks, well that’s a ripe pip ‘n’ dandy right ol’ thing. But, to be fair, when I first applied for the job back in 1993 I only heard of it thanks to a hour long 3 a.m. ad on the telly.”

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By the end of next week the committee hopes to have a select few candidates for chancellor, and the search appears to be coming along, as the chancellor would say, “swimmingly.”

A press release from the Office of the Registrar on the matter said “we are really just utilizing technology to find the best person possible to chancell our fine university.”

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