Who would you want to play you if your life was a movie?
It’s a question we’ve all been asked, whether in a questionnaire, by friends or in an ice-breaker. Oftentimes the answer is usually someone who is at the top of his game: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Denzel Washington. However, have you ever thought that maybe your life just isn’t interesting enough to become a movie? Shocking, right? I’ll give you a second to regroup.
There are hundreds of movies released every month and about 10 percent of those are “based off true stories.” These “true stories” are feats of perseverance, thinking outside the box and becoming the best in your field. Have you honestly done any one of these things? Listen, I’m not trying to destroy all of your hopes and dreams. I’m just instituting the sad realization that we, as normal people, aren’t as interesting as movie characters—and that’s OK.
Do you think in 2002 when they asked Oakland Athletics Shortstop Miguel Tejada, the MVP of the 2002 MLB season, who should play him in a movie, he said Royce Clayton? Probably not. But I’m sure Billy Beane was flattered that someone as handsome and famous as Brad Pitt portrayed him in “Moneyball” (Google what Billy Beane looks like—absolutely nothing like Brad Pitt). Interesting stories are dictated by the times. You may have a funny story about your roommate sleepwalking into your room thinking it’s the bathroom, but there’s no way you could stretch that out into two hours (movie title: “The Peeing”).
What about TV? Hey great idea, except that instead of having a two-hour movie of your life, you want a 10-hour season? You’re insane. There’s a reason why television shows are never based off “true stories”—regular people might only have one major story to tell and that couldn’t possibly be over two hours long, let alone 10. And for all of you who think “Are You There, Chelsea?” is a good show, please stop reading this article. You and I clearly cannot be friends.
How about reality television? They’re all based on true stories. Hell, you’re watching the action unfold. Oh you naïve child, you should know by now that most reality television is fake. And if it’s not, then it’s boring. Is there anything worse on TV than someone who spends six weeks being “Made” only to lose in a contest so conveniently placed by the producers… I mean school? Sure, the protagonist learned a lot about being himself and trying new things and blah, blah, blah. But what’s important is that he wins, and if he doesn’t, who cares? He’s just another high school nerd who’s decent at b-boying.
You must be thinking, “I’ll show that jerk!” Well, good luck. If you want my advice on how to make your life interesting enough for a movie, try these tropes on for size: Have a few kids, get divorced and then beat the odds for a job you should be too old for. Too late: New Line Cinema is making a film on Lauren Vikmanis, a 42-year-old divorced mother of two who beat the odds to become a cheerleader for the Cincinnati Bengals (Let’s be honest—it’s Ohio, how hard could that actually be?). Or maybe you grew up in a poor neighborhood, with a dysfunctional family and you finally found success after trying again and again. Wow, that sounds strangely similar to “The Blind Side” and “The Pursuit of Happyness.” Or you could create something revolutionary that no one has ever seen before! Let me save you the trouble—that’s the plot to “October Sky” and “The Social Network” (And the point of “The Social Network”? People involved in business will always backstab you).
You know who they should make a movie on? The Barefoot Bandit. Colton Harris-Moore stole more airplanes, boats and cars than you can count by the time he was 19, and sometimes he was barefoot (plot twist!). In April 2010, two months before he was caught in the Bahamas, his story rights were sold to 20th Century Fox. When he gets out of prison in six years he’s going to be rich (the lesson here: Crime does pay). So I guess if you want to have an interesting life, you better start running from the law… like in “Catch Me If You Can.”
Now that I’ve opened your eyes on your future of not walking on red carpets, I hope now you can continue with your boring life and do things that will ensure success. Forget your hopes that one day somebody will make a movie about your life. And if they do... I’m choosing Joseph Gordon-Levitt to play me. We’ve got the same boyish charm.
Got an idea for a movie you think will put Michael in his place? Send him your story pitches at mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
