Hey You,
It gives me great pleasure to announce that you may be interested in becoming my secret admirer!
No doubt you've considered this exciting opportunity before, but all throughout February the Matt Hunziker Society of Secret Admiration is offering never-before-seen deals on all of our most popular membership packages! Newcomers will be glad to know that our basic membership fee is temporarily waived, but the following rules and regulations do still apply:
Though many traditional"" admirers may wish to express their affections in writing, please be advised that I will not accept notes passed to me across lecture halls, nor slipped inside my locker. Although mail is not officially discouraged, because of time constraints, any envelopes not marked ""Contains Important Tax Information"" will be disposed of unread.
To save on all the hassle this Valentine's Day, why not send a ""Lurker Letter"" (patent pending)? These prestamped, extra-glossy postcards require no return address and are available from your local stationary store. Let me know you've been watching me (anonymously) with one of three unique messages!
1) ""Matt, I love your new haircut!""
Sure, every haircut reveals more silver hair around my temples, but don't think ""prematurely gray."" Think ""prematurely distinguished."" In 25 years, might I have the salt-and-pepper mane of People Magazine's 2006 ""Sexiest Man of the Year"" winner George Clooney? I don't know, but I do know that I like my new haircut. You like my new haircut, too.
2) ""Matt, as I followed you from class today, I noticed that your stride is powerful, like that of a wild animal.""
A lion perhaps? As a Leo, I'm also blessed with abundant personal magnetism and am a natural extrovert. (But don't take that as a cue to try and talk to me!)
3) ""Matt, I feel like you're better looking every time I see you.""
It's quite likely true. Just like a fine wine (see ""Gift Giving"" below), my complexity and value steadily appreciate with time.
Of course, as someone once famously said, ""Actions speak louder than words,"" and with me the act of gift giving speaks loudest of all. Check newsstands for your free copy of my 2008 Most Preferred Gifts Catalog. Other good choices include flowers (orchids), fine wines (reds, especially) and money (no checks, obviously).
Note that becoming my secret admirer in no way entitles you to a reciprocal relationship of any nature, whether real or imagined. I am gainfully employed in relation with a person with whom I am on a first name basis. Furthermore, any such feedback would constitute an unacceptable breach of the professional agreement between you, the prospective admirer, and I, the prospectively admired.
Note also the specific wording of the title ""Secret Admirer."" At no time nor for any reason may the anonymity clause of this contract be revoked. I have enough difficulty remembering the names of real-life acquaintances and familial relations and do not wish to burden myself further with having to recall who expressed what undying affection. If you find it too difficult to abide by the terms of this professional agreement, I have no qualms about outsourcing my admiring work to a developing nation.
If you are interested in something a bit more substantial, you might consider becoming one of my professional stalkers. At the ""Hunziker's Hunters"" membership level, you'll have notarized proof of our association (printed on a handsomely framed and individually filed restraining order). Also included in the package are blocks on all social networking websites and guaranteed police seizure of any photographs taken with a telephoto lens from a distance closer than the court-ordered 300 yards.
With so many options, there's no reason not to express yourself this February, so flatter away!
But please, no calls.
Contact Matt through your anonymous, third-party e-mail account at hunziker@wisc.edu.
