I was at the SERF last week engaging in an ancient self-mutilation ritual I like to call the cardio room"" when I overheard a conversation next to me. The participants in this little chat were wearing matching bubble gum-pink short shorts, leisurely sauntering on treadmills and watching CNN, where John McCain was delivering a stump speech.
""Who's that?"" said the first.
After a pause, her companion replied, ""One of them is running for president, I think.""
""President of what?""
""Of the country.""
""Oh. By the way, what's a primary?""
""I don't know.""
""Oh.""
I'm not sure if the conversation continued much past this point because my sense of civic duty had entered my ear canal and was trying to claw its way out of my skull in order to inflict patriotic justice upon my fellow gym rats.
But as I walked home, nursing my faith in the human spirit back to health, it occurred to me that many college students may have legitimate questions about the presidential election process.
Perhaps you've never voted before or were prevented from learning about our democracy by an evil fascist conspiracy bent on weakening our government from within before deploying an army of terrible mustachioed creatures to take control. So without further ado, let us enter the ever-popular, self-serving, question and answer format!
Q: How should I pick a candidate?
A: For Republicans, this is easy. Simple use the time-tested Right- Wing formula. Take their height in inches, multiply by the number of gallons of hair gel used daily and add the number of years they want to spend in Iraq. Couldn't be simpler. On the Democratic side, it's a bit more difficult. Since the options are Barack ""Not quite as cool a voice as James Earl Jones, but still pretty cool"" Obama and Hillary ""I will fix your health care. Or kill you. You choose"" Clinton, you may have to invest some time reading their position papers and listening to their speeches.
Q: I don't want to spend that much effort!
A: That's OK, just go for the one with the better chants.
Q: What's the difference between a primary and a caucus?
A: A caucus is a complicated political stage show with votes standing around in groups waiting for something called a ""quorum.""
Q: What's a quorum?
A: Nobody is sure, but rumor has it that it has something to do with the Cloverfield monster.
Q: So what's a primary, then?
A: A form of torture inflicted on almost all young children. Oh wait, that's ""primary school."" A primary is a ""presidential-preference vote"" similar to a general election. You go to your local precinct, register with a party and complete an electronic ballot on a Diebold Accu-Vote computer. Your vote will be stored securely in the memory of the machine until the end of the day, where tallies will be taken across the state in a secure, accurate and efficient manner.
Q: Really?
A: Well, by ""secure, accurate and efficient"" I mean ""your vote will probably get mixed in with porn spam and solicitations for Viagra and we'll end up with Mr. C!alIs and Mr. EnzEYEte as our candidates.""
Keaton is prepared to get all sorts of hate e-mail from everyone. Actually, how cool would it be if James Earl Jones were actually running? Or what about that guy that does all the movie preview voiceovers? ""It was a time for change. It was a time for progress. This November, one man, one vision, one voice gives you all the answers."" Yeah, it probably wouldn't work out. It'd be cool, though. E-mail Keaton at keatonmiller@wisc.edu.
