It all started because my boyfriend thought I was going deaf. About a month ago, he noticed I had the volume on my TV much louder than before. He also mentioned I shouted into my cell phone - not just when I was talking to my parents - and my roommates were making references to things they weren't supposed to hear.
Then, communication became an issue.
There's some two shelves down,"" my boyfriend Jeff told me when I was looking for flour to make a batch of cookies.
""I will not have a threesome with a foolish clown!"" I said.
And then, a week later:
""Does this dress make me look fat?""
""No, but the color sort of washes out your complexion,"" he said.
""You're lost in my perfection? That's so sweet!""
And finally:
""Do you want to eat out or make something here?"" he asked.
""Thanks, I've always thought my hair swings with the grace of a ballerina swan too.""
""Kiera, that doesn't even rhyme with what I said.""
""I was hoping you wouldn't notice.""
Eventually, when Jeff tired of his unintentional compliments, I gave into his coaxing and decided to see a doctor. I called my dad to tell him.
""So how long have you and Jeff been together?"" my dad asked over the phone after I explained my
predicament.
""Umm, about 10 months. Why?""
""Well, a few years ago, your mom thought I was losing my hearing too,"" he said. ""But it turned out my hearing was perfect. I was just ignoring her.""
""Hmmm.""
""You and Jeff have been dating for a while now, so
I'd definitely consider that possibility,"" he encouraged.
I was able to secure an appointment for the following week. First the doctors wanted to test my hearing to assess the magnitude of the problem.
But as soon as she stuck that pointy flashlight thing in my ear, she recoiled in horror.
""I think I see the problem already,"" she told me.
""Your earwax has built up to unprecedented proportions, to the point where it's negatively impacting your hearing.""
After a few excruciating hours of doctors poking and scraping my ear to extract the wax, they sent me home, explaining that wax was basically taking over my ears and they hadn't managed to get all of it out. How embarrassing.
As the clock struck midnight on that evening last week, couples across the country kissed, wishing each other ""Happy Valentine's Day."" I, on the other hand, refused to stop screaming.
""I feel like I'm giving birth through my ear!"" I yelled at Jeff.
""How would you know what it feels like to give birth?"" he asked, suspiciously.
I shot him a seething glare and resumed my whining.
The next day, I went back to the hospital where I was promised that more cleaning would bring an end to my suffering. This time, I brought Jeff with me since neither of us wanted to spend Valentine's afternoon alone.
""Will you still be attracted to me after this?"" I asked him sheepishly. We both watched as the doctor pulled a rather large brownish chunk of wax from my ear.
""Wow, this one looks like a raisin,"" she said, waving the piece proudly for all of us to see. ""It's too bad earwax doesn't have street value.""
Jeff smiled and reached for my hand. ""Of course I will,"" he said. ""But I never want to hear anything about my tuna and onion sandwiches again.""
If you're craving raisins, please don't e-mail Kiera at wiatrak@wisc.edu.
