I can't believe it is Valentine's Day already. Let the self-loathing begin. But all jokes aside, I actually like this holiday. The cards and the candy - obviously the candy - are all in good fun. This year has been one wild ride, and it's also going to mark my first Valentine's Day alone. But don't pity me everyone, it took me a while to get to this place and I'm not about to allow some candy hearts to get me down.
But still, it is Valentine's Day, and I can't help but get a little nostalgic about old times. The only way that I can get my once significant other out of my system is if I tell the tale. So here I go.
Like I said, I just recently broke up with my boyfriend. Well, I guess we're just not exclusive anymore because we both settled on somewhat good terms. You might know him - the red Sour Patch Kid. Yeah, he was kind of a big deal. He was so great to me, as any boyfriend should be.
He fed me well and even comforted me when I needed someone, no matter what time of day it was. However, his best quality was definitely how complex he was for a boy; he just had such a range of emotions. First he was sour, and then he was sweet. Needless to say, he drove me wild.
We started out on our path to a relationship about three years ago. One not so mundane night, my friends and I had a slight case of the munchies, which landed us in the trashiest 7-11"" in town. I know you're silently judging me, 7-11? But, let's be honest, where else can you get a 64 oz. cup of Diet Coke for like 50 cents and also find the widest selection of high quality snack foods?
Anyway, it was there I laid eyes on him, right in the candy aisle. That heart-stopping yellow bag was calling out to me. From the second we made eye contact, I knew we would be together forever. I couldn't help myself.
Ever since that day I remained a loyal and devoted girlfriend. Throughout our blissful affair we did everything together. We went to the movies, hung out in my dorm room and without fail he was there for me when I was going through a stressful time - especially soothing during late nights studying for midterms.
Everything was perfect until one day when my sweet and sour relationship came crashing down before my eyes. It was sometime last year when I walked into Walgreen's on State Street, our previously chosen meeting spot for our date that night (I had a six page English paper due).
I walked down every aisle in a daze, like a lost child I kept searching and searching for him, but he was nowhere to be found. How could my man ditch me like that? I was so devastatingly heartbroken, I couldn't think straight.
After finally coming to terms with the fact he was not showing up, fast action was required. I decided the most natural thing to do was to be slutty - I am a sorority girl after all. So, I quickly purchased every gummy candy I could find. I'm not the type of girl to allow something like this to break my spirit. I realized I needed someone new, something bigger and better.
After cheating on my boyfriend (I mean, I wasn't sure if we were actually broken up), I thought I would feel absolutely wretched. But, shockingly, it was kind of nice to be with someone different for a change. I had fallen into such a routine with Red that I hadn't opened myself up to the possibility of anyone else.
I didn't even notice Sweet Tart, who was really good looking. And Red's cousin, Swedish Fish, is such a genuine guy. I even picked up some new girlfriends along the way that helped me get through it - Gummi Bear, Gummi Worm and Peach-O.
With all of these new friends of mine, I didn't really care if my boyfriend didn't want to be with me anymore. I now had variety in my life and of course some newfound spice thanks to my super sexy friend with benefits, Red Hot.
It's safe to say the era of my monogamous relationships with food has come to an end. I've been in college for almost two years now, and it's time for me to open my eyes. There are so many things out there that I haven't tasted yet, and I'm on a mission to ""date"" them all.
Before the Sour Patch Kid there was Twizzler, and before him there was the Strawberry Frosted Pop Tart. There are more fish in the proverbial sea, and I'm about to go fishing for some goodness. Maybe I won't ever call them again, but at least I took a shot.
If you are single this Valentine's Day or just have some extra candy, e-mail_ akraut@wisc.edu.
