The best thing about my life is that I usually get what I want. Not to say I deserve any of it; if it's a material possession, I'll probably dribble food on it, toss it across the bar after four vodka water limes or try to cook it for dinner.
My dad tells me I have always been a lucky kid, but personally, I accredit all of my successes to one thing (besides great hair): being able to talk anyone into anything.
Additional skills include being a great liar and manipulator, and though this is really nothing to brag about, it does help me get out of speeding tickets, make extremely good-looking people propose to me and obtain jobs I'm completely unqualified for.
Sadly, I know people who are born without the ability to tell a white lie. I, on the other hand, have no qualms with posing as a deaf Irish exchange student in exchange for free drinks.
Although I have tricked people, including family, into spending thousands of dollars on me, performing exhausting manual labor and getting tattoos all on my behalf, I know it is time for me to finally give back. I am providing Mad Lib scripts to help you in the most important situations. These plotted conversations require the use of eye-batting, extensive guilt tripping and proper boobage (whether you're female or not).
Help! I need money! (Cleavage not necessary but always optional)
Parents aren't going to send money for you to blow at the bars, buy another skanky shirt at Tiger Lily or finance your gin and tonic addiction. In fact, if they have brains, they aren't going to send you any cash at all. Maybe you should just get a job, but if you're desperate, stir their emotions with love, or make them believe they are the sole reason that you have failed at life. Choose one of those routes.
Mom/Dad (loving or hurtful nickname here). I'm just calling to let you know that I (love/hate) you. I (miss/never want to see) you guys!
Remember that one time (insert favorite childhood memory involving an eight-hour car trip that didn't result in your dad taking a cab back home, or just that). Well, that's just why I called. To remind you of those (strong adjective) times.
Dad's (my hero/a great role model/failed miserably as a parent and at hiding his extramarital affairs). And you mom, you're a (Godsend/angel/ raging bitch when it's that time of the month). You guys are responsible for all my (success/failure). It's because of you that I (am a world-class scholar and artist/am a muscular athlete/want to jump off a bridge). Oh, that reminds me, I'm a little short on cash...
Let me into this bar (Cleavage required. Boys, think manboobs)
Underage ladies and gentlemen, try and let the twins speak for themselves. If necessary, try one of the following, depending on the age of your fake ID.
20s: Turn to friends or random drunk male next to you. What did we do before we turned 21? I can't believe it's been (exact number of years) since we became legal. Wow, that means we graduated from high school exactly (exact number) years ago. I just love being a (astrological sign matching ID)! My horoscope says I love (long walks on the beach/making friends with Leos/flashing my (man-)boobs at bouncers).
30 Plus: ""It's nice to be out without (the kids/spouse/any of my law colleagues.) The college scene is (enthralling/exhilarating/teeming with youth) and reminds me of (my time at the U/ my wedding 5 years ago/the LSATs).
Hire me (Amount of cleavage dependent on position)
I'm a multifaceted individual who has developed adept skills at (problem solving/customer service/lap dances). My prior experience is closely related to your position and I will work (overtime/extensively with the entire staff/ overtime at extensively perfecting my pole dancing). Would you like to take a closer look at my (portfolio/tramp stamp/man-boobs?)
If you too still fill in Mad Libs on long plane rides, e-mail aaspencer@wisc.edu.
