While many of you Packer backers were probably wallowing in self-pity last week because the clock finally struck midnight on Green Bay's magical season, I was in Foxboro, Mass., to do an exclusive Daily Cardinal interview with New England Patriot's head coach Bill Belichick.
I know what you're thinking: How could I get an interview with the most tight-lipped coach in the NFL? Well, let's just say he's an avid Cardinal fan and always dreamed of being our Reader of the Day,"" or that my second cousin Tina might be carrying quarterback Tom Brady's child.
I could tell Belichick was not going to spill any secrets while talking in his office, so we decided to take a drive out to the Cape Cod area. After downing two bowls of clam chowder, three lobster tails and 11 pints of Boston Lager at the world-famous Moby Dick's restaurant, Belichick finally started to loosen up. The following is an excerpt of our conversation:
""So coach, Tom Brady's been all over the news lately. What's the deal with the medical boot on his foot?""
""That's nothing - just a minor sprain. He'll be fine.""
""I see. Well what about the Giants they've...""
""Tom's actually got a lot more important things to worry about besides a silly boot.""
""Right, like the Giants defensive line.""
""No, no, you're way off. Now I'm only telling you this because I know you're a Navy man. My dad coached at Navy.""
""What are you talking about?""
""Good. Well you know Tom could get any woman he wants. But lately he's got this burning inside of him.""
""Oh I get it. He's wants someone to like him for who he is and not just because he's a star NFL quarterback.""
""[Censored] no, man. What kind of pansy are you? Lots of women - burning inside - do I need to spell it out for you. G...O...""
""I got it. I got it. That's pretty disgusting. Hmm... let's change the subject here. Your team is a perfect 18-0. How did you manage to keep the players focused throughout the season?""
""Ever use a Taser, son?""
""Ahhh... no.""
""You'd be surprised how effective a little zap during practice can be. Linemen respond better when you give'em a shot of pepper spray for every holding penalty they commit. And placekickers, well, I just hold their heads underwater if they ever miss a chip-shot.""
""That's why Adam Vinatieri went to the Colts.""
""Bingo.""
""So, I guess those reporters that called you a dictator weren't really that far off.""
""Kim Jong-il ain't got [censored] on me.""
""You must be very proud. As long as we're on the subject of dictators, why don't you talk a little about 'Spygate' and your camera operators that were allegedly stealing signals from the New York Jets.""
""That never happened.""
""What do you mean it never happened? You were fined $500,000.""
""The mainstream media stopped talking about it. Therefore it didn't happen.""
""Right, right. OK, umm ... when you win the Super Bowl are you going to be more excited to go to the White House or to go to Disney World?""
""Are you serious? You think I really want to listen to another one of the president's speeches about how, 'We're all Patriots in the fight for freedom?' [Censored] that. I'll ride Splash Mountain any day of the week. Plus, Minnie Mouse is a hottie.""
""I couldn't agree with you more. Speaking of hotties, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Any chance you'll get back together with your ex-wife?""
""I think I'll give her a [censored] in a box. You know how the song goes. 'Step one, cut a hole in a box...'""
""How romantic.""
""Actually, I hate holidays. They're all so commercialized - except for Arbor Day. Arbor Day I like.""
""Well coach, if I'm going to catch my red-eye flight back to Milwaukee, we should probably head out. But thanks for your time. This has been an extremely enlightening experience.""
""I'll see you in hell Retzel.""
If you are also a Navy man, e-mail Ryan at reszel@dailycardinal.com.
