Even though Emile Hirsch dies at the end of Into the Wild,"" I found myself leaving the theater strangely enamored. Deciding to attribute this eroticism to Emile's on-screen charisma and willingness to do full-frontal, instead of, say, a budding case of necrophilia, I confronted my boyfriend Jeff about the possibility of making ""the list.""
""What's the list?"" Jeff asked when I brought it up the next day.
""Well, I get to make a list of three celebrities that I can sleep with, if given the cosmically unlikely option, and you can't get mad.""
""That doesn't seem fair, would I get to make a list too?""
Damn it. I hoped he'd overlook that detail.
""No, I don't think so,"" I said. ""My psychologist told me if my boyfriend insisted on making a list too, he was significantly more likely to kill and eat his children later in life.""
""Kiera..."" Jeff replied, sounding vaguely hungry.
""Fine, you can make a list too.""
""Well, who would be on your list?"" he asked.
""Gee, I haven't really thought about it,"" I said, ""but Emile Hirsch, Shane West and the guy who sits behind me in my ILS class, in that order.""
""He's not a celebrity...""
""Well, he did get the highest score in the class on our midterm,"" I said.
""I'm still not comfortable with it,"" he said. ""I think that we should just promise to only sleep with each other, isn't that what a relationship is about?""
""Whatever,"" I said, leaving the room to devise a plan.
Recalling that Jeff had once told me about a childhood crush on Natalie Portman, I decided she was key to my list making bliss.
First, I Photoshopped Natalie's head onto naked Playboy models' bodies. Unhappy with the idea of Jeff looking at other women in the buff, however, I decided to Photoshop her head onto my body instead. I hid them under his bed - and waited.
That night, when I ""accidentally"" dropped my pencil, I came across the photos.
""Jeff? What's this?"" I said, showing him the photos.
""I've never seen them before in my life, I swear,"" he said. ""But they do look vaguely familiar.""
""Oh don't worry honey, I'm not mad,"" I said. ""I'm just hurt that you would hide these gorgeous photos from me. I mean look at that perfect neck and luscious body. I just can't contain my excitement looking at her.""
""I guess you're right,"" Jeff said. ""I'll think about the list.""
He was starting to crack - one more ploy and I'd be making love to Emile Hirsch in no time.
I created a new Facebook account under the e-mail nataliejeff4ever@hotmail.com, and of course, under the pseudonym Natalie Portman. For interests I wrote: starring in a lot of movies and Jeff, and under status I wrote: Natalie is I'm in love with this guy Jeff. My Hollywood career is over until I sleep with him.
After sifting through friend requests from various Jeffs around the country, I messaged my boyfriend from Natalie's account.
""Hey sexy, you may not know who I am, but if you're curious you should rent 'Closer' or 'V for Vendetta.' Anyway, I'm in love with you and want to have sexual intercourse with you. Please write back, I love you,
Natalie Portman
P.S. I know you have a girlfriend, but if you put me on your list, she won't mind.""
I never received a message back, but a few days later Jeff showed up at my apartment with his list: Penelope Cruz, Adriana Lima and Jerri Blank.
""What happened to Natalie Portman?"" I asked.
""I'm over her,"" he said. ""Turns out she's kind of a creepy stalker type.""
""Really?"" I asked coyly. ""What did you do with all those naked photos of her?""
""Oh, I didn't want them anymore, so I just Photoshopped your head on them and gave them to my roommates as a joke.""
If you want to get on Kiera's list, e-mail her at wiatrak@wisc.edu.