After Thanksgiving, the most wonderful time of the year"" officially begins. The Christmas season gives everyone a tingly feeling inside. Knitted scarves, fireplaces and awkward spit-swapping under the mistletoe warms even those with frozen hearts. Suddenly the day-to-day routine of life is permeated with whiffs of hot chocolate, brightened by sparkling Christmas lights and, most importantly, the sight of silky Santa thongs on sale at Target - it's actually pretty hard not to smile.
The holiday season is a time when old friends and family reach out to each other because it's Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever Pagan holiday people celebrate. 'Tis the season to send cards and family pictures to reconnect with loved ones and let them know that they are missed, or at least mocked every so often at dinner.
But of course, there are a few naughty people who have got this all wrong. These people think the Holiday Season means it's OK to clog mailboxes with useless and boastful information - these are the people who send out Holiday Bulletins.
In case you haven't had the pleasure of receiving a Holiday Bulletin, it's a letter printed out on tacky holly-bordered stationary listing various updates and achievements of a particular family. It's almost always insincere, exaggerated and three pages too long.
There is no sound reason to send said Holiday Bulletin. It's not even a tradition - like decorating the Christmas tree, lighting the Menorah or drunkenly kissing your third cousin under the mistletoe. It's simply a way for adults to play pretend and revisit that creative writing class they took their freshman year of college - they create fiction to make their dysfunctional family appear more normal.
Every year, our family gets a few bulletins: one from a Scientologist my dad went to college with who condemns the consumption of pizza, a nun at my Catholic high school preaching about pre-martial relations and another from some distant fourth cousin twice removed with bad teeth and too much time on his hands.
This cousin thinks it's a gosh-darn-great idea to send a chirpy letter packed full with updates on his nuclear family unit - little Jimmy is officially potty-trained and can (gasp) actually poop in the toilet! His older sister Britney (the one with the overbite) has gotten her braces removed and was just named homecoming queen! His wife Janet is taking a basket-weaving class (guess what you're getting for Christmas!) And here's the kicker: They're going to take a nice little road-trip to Mt. Rushmore after the holidays because their family never fights, even if they're in a car together for 13 hours!
Isn't Christmas about telling the truth and loving people in spite of their unexpected bald spots, bad habits and even worse teeth? If you're going to send a four-page letter about your family, keep it real:
Dear Friends and Family,
Christmas sucks monkey butt because it involves spending my already-dwindling income (I spend a few grand on strippers because I haven't slept in the same bed as my wife in 8 years). The Christmas season is overwhelming so I drink a lot and hit my children! But don't worry, everybody is fine and dandy! My wife looks better than ever - It's true what they say - the third facelift really is charm!
Our beloved son, the pride and joy of our family, was recently acquitted of those ""drug charges""! He's starting high school with a clean track record, and acceptance into the school's most powerful gang! We couldn't be prouder! Our daughter is growing up - and out! She's a knockout! You must stop by and check out her chest, it will really give you a sense of Christmas cheer!
See you at the holidays, I'll be sipping on eggnog, gazing out the window and wondering if the fall off the roof would be enough to kill me.
Love,
Your fourth cousin twice removed
Ashley hates people who brag about their families, but thinks it's perfectly acceptable to throw herself a 21st birthday party this week. Send birthday wishes, sarcastic family bulletins or bitchslaps to aaspencer@wisc.edu.
