I generally do not consider myself a 'high stress' kind of person. I mean, I take it easy, go to class when I feel like it and try not to let things bother me. Hell, I slept through the MCAT.
But lately, with work piling up and midterms everywhere, it seems that everyone, myself included, is getting a little tense. And so in an attempt to lighten the load for all of you, I present some techniques that have really helped me remain cool and loose, in spite of those graduate school applications I haven't started yet...
First, get yourself a kitten. Persian, tabby, manx'it doesn't really matter. The important thing is that it's a cute little bundle of energy and fur. So what are you waiting for? Head on over to the Humane Society and grab yourself a kitten.
Now that you have your own kitten, you can have hours of amusement just watching it. Tease it with some yarn, get it hopped up on catnip or teach it to dance and sing like those cats in the commercials. Then, once the novelty has worn off, you can eat the kitten. Or if you are some sort of vegetarian, you can snap out of it and then eat the kitten.
Great, so now you're a little less stressed and definitely not hungry. Still, you can't help but feel a little bit worried about that history essay. A good conversation can take those worries right off your mind. Did you know that there are thousands of interesting people out there who would love to talk to you? In fact, they probably called just as you were right in the middle of eating that kitten! That's right: telemarketers. They always have great deals to offer, and with just a little cajoling, you can get a fascinating conversation going concerning the merits of credit card protection services, long distance carriers or magazine subscriptions.
Sometimes, though, the telemarketers just won't call, no matter how much you need them. That's fine, because you can always try a practical joke to lighten the mood. Here's a great one. Gather up a bunch of pillows, a large purple sheet and a green hat. Carry all this stuff down to your neighborhood grocery store, looking nonchalant all the while. When you arrive at the store, head to the produce aisle.
Make sure no one is looking, and then quickly wrap your midsection in pillows, cover yourself in the purple sheet and put on the green hat. Then jump up into the turnip bin. Wait quietly until someone comes along. They will undoubtedly exclaim 'Bejesus! What a ponderous turnip!' and will excitedly put you into their cart.
They will get the rest of their groceries and take you home, salivating about turnip stew all the while. When you arrive at your purchaser's home, wait until they are about to put you in the pot and then exclaim 'Aha! I am not a turnip!' Their shocked expression will be priceless and with any luck, they may even let you leave. And even if they insist on making stew out of you, at least you won't be stressed'in fact, you should be nice and tender.
