Ben Stoffel-Rosales

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In appreciation of awkwardness

I think it’s great that life is full of unzipped flies, parents walking in on masturbational shenanigans and audible farts during sex. These embarrassing moments are so brutal because they are what people remember you by. You can be the football starter or the swim team captain, but people will still know you as the girl who had her period in the pool during gym class or the guy who shit his pants at Joseph’s sleepover in the seventh grade.

Surviving the season of giving

If you’re like me, you’ve recently seen your Internet use change from taking care of your Neopet and masturbating on Chatroulette to looking for Christmas gifts for your loved ones. I’ve got some useful insight on the season of giving that will make your holiday shopping easier than procrastinating for finals.

On stupidity, Perry and Paterno

Back in high school, a classmate asked me with a straight face: “What country is the Tour de France in this year?” I was dumbfounded. I told her it only happens every four years, but next time it will be in either England or Great Britain; I couldn’t remember which one. Although I expected this girl to get a negative number on her ACT, she somehow goes to UW-Madison (and she’s actually smart, believe it or not).

November: worst month ever

Ahh, November. With football games and good weather exhuasted the only legitimite reason for your alcoholism is because seasonal depression is about to set in, and we all know alcohol is an upper. Oblivious coasties will be walking around in a T-shirt and those Beats By Dre scarves that don’t even keep their necks warm. Us Midwesterners will sack up and wear sweatpants for weeks on end, complaining about how cold it is as we pass homeless guys passed out on top of a heating vent. Everyone will get pretty pumped about Thanksgiving, that great feast thousands of years ago when we traded with the Indians: land and corn for some hand-me-down blankets infested with small pox. God bless America.

The truth about life lessons

In my post-Halloween Facebook creep spree, I encountered pictures of a high school girl wearing next to nothing. Now, I understand that Madison’s Halloween is a battle between boobs and hypothermia. What was unsettling about these pictures was that she and her husband were holding their baby in the pictures. Now, I hate babies in general because they suck at everything. They somehow manage to simultaneously be less athletic than Adele, uglier than the whole Osborne family, and stupider than President Bush. Second of all, high school parents are a terrifying concept. GIRLS CAN’T GET PREGNANT ON TOP. Haven’t you ever seen “Knocked Up?”

The truth about life lessons

The Sirius Black of Boners

Three tips to stop procrastination

How the Internet is e-nnoying

Freaky Friday: Memoirs of a keg