If you’re like me, you’ve recently seen your Internet use change from taking care of your Neopet and masturbating on Chatroulette to looking for Christmas gifts for your loved ones. I’ve got some useful insight on the season of giving that will make your holiday shopping easier than procrastinating for finals.
Your parents are good to shop for first because they’ll appreciate anything you get them; that’s why your shitty third grade art project is still hanging on the wall. What does your mom like? Cooking? Being menopausal? Play off these ideas and go from there. For dad, maybe just ask his other family in Ohio what he likes to do. If worst comes to worst, make the man a CD. It allows you to share interests and rescue him from living his life in music from the ‘80s.
December is easily the worst time of year to have a girlfriend. Trust me, there is no kosher way to ‘go on a break’ until after Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa, so you’re going to have to suck it up and shop.
First of all, I will say that if you buy your girlfriend a gift card, it is pretty much the same thing as calling her a fat bitch and punching her in the uterus. You have a better chance of making it to New Year’s by giving her a dead puppy in a box.
I’m also not a fan of giving a girl lingerie. It says: “I want you to be more sexually attractive.” It would be like your girlfriend buying you a penis pump. Not to mention buying lingerie means you have to be that creepy-looking guy prowling around Victoria’s Secret petting the fabric. Just get her something meaningful. Last year I got my girlfriend a coffee mug that you could put pictures inside and made a little photo album for inside of it. Although I had to tuck my penis between my legs in order to scrapbook, she really liked it.
My next advice on holiday giving is more serious, but it will save you money. As many know, the Salvation Army is known primarily for their charity work and annoying bell ringers. But what I did not know, until very recently, is that the Salvation Army openly discriminates against gay couples. In fact, homeless homosexuals (has a nice ring to it) will not be given shelter or clothing by the Salvation Army, and will not even allow gays to contribute to their charitable efforts. Why? Because Jesus was apparently a homophobic asshole.
I give very few shits about most political issues, but I think discriminating against gays as stupid as discriminating against blacks. Since when was charity a way to implement your outrageous religious beliefs? Now every time I pass them I give them an obscene jerk-off gesture with both hands and put on my O-face for added affect. Then I make out with the closest man just to really piss them off. I have also stopped using ‘gay’ as an insult because that’s completely retarded.
I’m not sure why the Salvation Army targets college students in the first place. College students could use funds too. That’s like asking President Barack Obama for intelligence. You’re not going to get very far.
If you’re a rich asshole and do have money to be generous with, alternative charities I’ll offer are Make-A-Wish, Toys for Tots, Goodwill and My Two Front Teeth.
May your holiday giving result in smiles from your family and super awesome fellatio/cunnilingus from your significant others.
Can’t decide what to get for your loved ones for the holidays? Tweet at Ben @stoffelrosales for, like, the most epic shopping trip ever.
