I think it’s great that life is full of unzipped flies, parents walking in on masturbational shenanigans and audible farts during sex. These embarrassing moments are so brutal because they are what people remember you by. You can be the football starter or the swim team captain, but people will still know you as the girl who had her period in the pool during gym class or the guy who shit his pants at Joseph’s sleepover in the seventh grade.
These images can be painful to remember. I would rather fistfuck a goat than think about the girl who rejected my homecoming invitation or the time all my friends saw my wiener (which was practically concave at that moment) because I didn’t know the door was open. In fact, my junior year of high school I had an entire relationship based on forced conversation, excruciating eye contact and awkward hand jobs.
When it’s painful to recall these embarrassing moments, it helps me to think about other peoples’ instead. For example, one friend in high school thought bras had Velcro clasps (which they should), so he spent 10 minutes trying to rip his girlfriend’s bra off until she started crying. Another friend was fooling around with her boyfriend when she heard her mom coming towards her room. Panicked, she impulsively opened her computer to cover it up only to blast the porn she had been previously watching.
Everyone said that high school would be the most awkward time of our lives, but college is a close second. There’s still acne, itchy crotch syndrome and crazy amounts of sexual tension. Now there’s just more booze.
Watching drunk guys hit on girls is exceptionally entertaining. It’s great to watch respectable people turn into belligerent animals that would buy drinks for a one-eyed ogre in exchange for some sloppy bathroom sex.
Here I’d like to note how much I support this role of alcohol, because I think sober guys—probably girls too—set their standards too high. Sober guys want girls who have no fat and Pamela Anderson’s breasts. It’s ridiculous; not all women can look flawless like Jessica Alba and Justin Bieber. Women are supposed to have imperfections like misshapen boobs, cellulite, and even some hair down under. So mother fucking kudos to our friend Al Kohall for allowing us to see the beauty in life.
Anyway, back to awkwardness. Drinking just makes the whole night so painful—yet so fun—to watch. That’s why Jersey Shore and Charlie Sheen exist. From horrible pickup lines (“Someone call bomb squad because you’re one Weapon of Mass Turbation”) and forgotten names, to the queefs that echo into the night, Madison’s nightlife is a perfect place to make myself feel better about embarrassing stuff, like the fact that I thought a ‘pussy’ was a cat’s vagina until I was in tenth grade.
Ben shared some painful memories, why don’t you give back? Tweet @stoffelrosales your embarrassing moments. He promises not to tell anyone.
