The Beet

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Madison police launch support group for former bar raid cops

“They took my livelihood, my sense of purpose”

You aren’t going to start a revolution. You need to get a job

Hot take: I have been realizing things and Peter Pricket is now coming forward with new ideas he has been hiding. 

I graduated from PETA University. Now I electroejaculate monkeys

Today I electroejaculated a monkey named Cornelly again. I am at odds with this work. 

Catch me feds! I ballot stuffed 450 times in the 2024 election

 To feel the passion of Democracy I voted between three states for both Kamala and Donald.  

I’m going to commit $270 worth of property damage to the university

In my final weeks at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I was utterly betrayed by Transportation Services when it impounded my car for multiple unpaid parking tickets. Now, after paying off all the tickets and getting my car out of impound, I’m taking swift revenge.

An ode to freedom (more lanes)

Start of the day

Madison to use new measurement system named after Alder MGR Govindarajan

After grappling with how to get Madisonians to realize the scale of continuous developments to improve the city, the Common Council voted to measure projects via the dimensions of District 8 Alder MGR Govindarajan.

Return of the redlines: Wisconsin Republicans silently celebrate victory with new legislative maps

Wisconsin Republicans celebrated a decisive victory after the governor signed new state legislative maps. 

Swiftie Super Bowl Sunday album announcement

She already blessed us with her 11th studio album announcement, but Taylor Swift has another big announcement for the Super Bowl for Swifties.

Union South’s water broke. It’s a boy!

After nine months of grueling pregnancy, Union South’s water broke to reveal the newest edition to the UW-Madison campus.

Tenacious TikTok cleaning recipes to blast the stains away

Destroy dastardly stains with war-like power from some of TikTok's best at-home cleaning solutions.

Campus cops taking tips on torrid toilet use

Campus police are searching for leads to bust busters in Mosse Humanities bathrooms.

Hey Morgan! I’m from a warm-weather state and the slush is dragging down my walk to class, do you have any advice?

A tasteful review of former UW-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow’s erotic escapades

Former University of Wisconsin-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow was recently fired by the Board of Regents for creating homemade pornographic videos with his wife, Carmen Wilson. In light of the recent events, the question remains: are the videos actually worth viewing?

Ask Morgan, holiday special edition: How to deal with oversized trees, your boyfriend’s mom

Sometimes the only way to get rid of something is by causing a “little accident.”

Hey Morgan! I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and he just asked to be exclusive. I really like him. The only problem is he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t really go to class that much. What should I do?

 Tell him to lay off the sigma male podcasts.

UW-Madison behind on internet bill as result of Republican budget cuts

Recent budget cuts have caused the University of Wisconsin-Madison to fall behind on its internet bill, according to Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin.

Hey Morgan! I got kicked out of school my freshman year but never told my parents. They’ve been sending me tuition money for the last five years and are asking when I’m going to graduate. What should I do?

Identity theft is easier than you think.

Hey Morgan! My parents are really bugging me to get a job next semester, but it seems like too much work with all the classes I’m taking. What do I do to get them off my back?

Find "experience" and make it sound important.

Civil rights activist Robin Vos continues fight to end racism

 How much time do you want for your progress? The time is now,” Vos said passionately. “I have a dream.”