THE BEET
Hey, Morgan! I live with my boyfriend, but when we go home to his family, they won’t let us sleep in the same room. What should I do?
By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 28, 2023My answer is tunnels.
The Beet
THE BEET
Hey, Morgan! My older sister is really annoying me. She’s obviously my parents' favorite and I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?
By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 25, 2023Eliminate the competition and your parents will have to make you the favorite.
THE BEET
Hey, Morgan! All my friends went abroad to London this semester, and I’m super lonely. What should I do?
By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 21, 2023What does London have? Big Ben? As someone with a clock in their pocket, I am not impressed.
THE BEET
Hey, Morgan! I’ve been talking to this guy for a while, but I don’t know if he really likes me. What should I do?
By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 19, 2023He’ll learn to love you when you start dating, but getting your foot in the door with psychological manipulation is the important step.
THE BEET
Daily Cardinal office in dire straits after losing communal napkin
By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 9, 2022The loss of the napkin — believed to be circa 1987 — is perhaps the biggest issue the 130-year-old newspaper has ever faced.
THE BEET
How to water a beet for world domination
By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 8, 2022The transition to a new editor may result in a bit of an awkward phase, but have no fear — as long as people still have thoughts and feelings, The Beet isn’t going anywhere.
THE BEET
‘Everything deserves a place in the marketplace of ideas,’ said self-described moderate food critic before eating entire bowl of cat piss, shit
By Jeffrey Brown | Dec. 7, 2022“I want to clarify that I did not enjoy eating this bowl of cat feces, but I did eat it in its entirety because that is the respectful thing to do,” the critic concluded.
THE BEET
UW-Madison loses entire student body for upcoming semester after Course Search and Enroll crashes
By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 6, 2022The troublesome glitch could potentially be attributed to the fact that the app is run by literal zoo animals.
THE BEET
Commenter posts take on current situation
By Jeffrey Brown | Dec. 5, 2022"What you misunderstand is that I'm really stupid."
THE BEET
Jon Eckhardt receives wellness check after not emailing entire campus for one goddamn day
By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 2, 2022Eckhardt, who is rumored to also be a professor, is known for hits such as “Important message from Professor Eckhardt,” “Important followup from Professor Eckhardt” and the highly touted “A quick followup from Professor Eckhardt.”
THE BEET
Elon Musk: ‘My number one rule is to be explosive’
By Jeffrey Brown | Nov. 30, 2022In the wake of purchasing Twitter, the eccentric billionaire opens up about his philosophy as CEO.
THE BEET
Trump says ‘Make America Green Again’
By Ace Filter | Nov. 29, 2022Trump makes the surprising announcement that he’ll be running for president again — this time as part of the Green Party.
THE BEET
Coach Fickell immediately gains 50 pounds after accepting Wisconsin job
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 28, 2022With the 2021 National Coach of the Year in the dairy state, Wisconsin businesses are rallying to ensure that Fickell will have no choice but to stay long term or be airlifted to a healthier location.
THE BEET
Elon Musk announces Tesla cruise ship
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 18, 2022Very real technology ensures that the passenger liner will be unsinkable, says Musk.
THE BEET
Trump announces presidential bid in effort to steal more classified documents
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 16, 2022Former president anxious about content in White House documents, no longer singing “Cats” soundtrack on toilet.
THE BEET
World just waiting for World War III to start already
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 15, 2022After years of waiting for worldwide tension to reach its boiling point, it may be time to throw the macaroni in.
THE BEET
Kari Lake blames slow vote count on old looking babies
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 14, 2022The Arizona gubernatorial candidate claims poll workers are letting some babies vote, mistaking them for the elderly.
THE BEET
Mushroom trip inspires man to go into accounting
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10, 2022“The soil … it provides nutrients to the trees. The trees grow apples … during the trip I thought the red M&M and his family were stuck, but anyway —”
THE BEET
Anti-weed politicians can’t relate to feeling connected to others, genuinely smiling
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10, 2022“I didn’t even feel that way when Hurricane Sandy hit New York City,” scoffed a perturbed Mitch McConnell.
THE BEET
Local mom distraught after reading favorite salad dressing laced with fentanyl
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10, 2022The fear mongering post has already received over 4,000 shares.
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