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THE BEET

Between the Sheets - sex and the student body: Strip those layers: Badgers talk nudes

By Anna Welch | Dec. 5, 2016

As we crawl toward the end of the semester, the snow is starting to fall and the degrees are dropping; it’s enough to make you want to bundle up in layers of flannel and fleece, turn your bedroom into a blanket cave and never leave.  But, sometimes it’s worth it to strip off the layers, adjust the lighting and send the holiday gift that keeps on giving ... Nudes!  I reached out to my fellow Badgers to find out about their experiences with taking pictures that are sure to get them on the naughty list.  1.

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Heroic Wisconsinite kills animal with firearm

By Dylan Anderson | Dec. 1, 2016

In commendable and exciting fashion, Wisconsinite Ryan Burrows, 24, took the life of a wild deer using a high-powered rifle Tuesday. Burrows’ masculinity was on full display as he managed to discharge a 30-caliber round into the chest of the deer from about 40 feet away, knocking the animal over prior to its death seconds after. “Look at this big boy,” Burrows said, describing his victim triumphantly to Cardinal reporters.

Solenopsis invicta - fire ant worker
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almanac animal review: fire ant

By Noah Mack | Nov. 28, 2016

FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Super horny, very small (like really really small), has two seemingly pointless limbs on its face. CAREER GOALS: Eventually bang the queen, in the future bump uglies with the queen, reproduce with the queen, spread his genes through the queen. PRIMARY FLAWS: Only cares about work and hooking up wth the queen, can potentially be squashed by almost any human being. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super romantic, able to lift something 20 times his body weight, has two limbs on his head which are seemingly useless but are actually very important. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Almost everywhere, in a mound of dirt, wherever he is able to reproduce. FULL REVIEW:  Back in my clubbing days I used to be a wingman for this incredible insect called a fire ant.

THE BEET

Family unsure what uncle doing in other room with rest of turkey

By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 24, 2016

Franklin, Wis -- Attendees of the Weber family Thanksgiving expressed general confusion with regards to what Uncle Russ was doing in the other room with the turkey leftovers after dinner. Between the conclusion of the main course and the desert period of the evening program, Russell, 47, took the remains of the five pound turkey into the room adjacent to the dining area and has not emerged since, according to sources.

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Senator Hillary Clinton sets eyes on 2016 presidential election bid

By Liam Hutchison | Nov. 9, 2016

WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks. After decades of moving, grooving, schmoozing, bruising and bamboozling her way up the political ladder, America’s slightly beloved Secretary of State is finally poised to make her move. “This is it.

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Romney defeats Obama in swing state buzzer-beater

By Patrick Hoeppner | Nov. 9, 2016

WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party. The victory came swiftly on the coattails of Romney’s pick-and-roll drive to Florida and Obama’s defensive maneuver north to New Hampshire.

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Two Brothers

By Mike Kowalski | Nov. 7, 2016

Two boys called upon to serve their land, Both believed to have God’s graceful hand. With causes both just in their own minds, Who will be blamed in history’s time? Two boys called upon to ’fend the line With different banners, proud to shine. They call upon the other’s demise But who will be right when the fervor dies? Two boys called upon to bid family farewell And to uphold honor; do your duty they tell. But with destruction wrought on both sides, Mothers’ tears soon fall by hollow shrines. And when we ask who was without flaws, Who truly had the rightful cause? The boy on my side, without hesitation we say, Because he fought for me, I mean no dismay.

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Lost Knowledge

By Marc Tost | Nov. 7, 2016

The stars make me sad, you see Every little pinprick, every speck of light Is somewhere I will never be I yearn to travel and explore Go past anyone before Search the emptiness, and find new truth And make it mine, forever to adore And be my thing insignificant I will never mind Because from it, I become significant But so does the sky taunt me Lost knowledge, I will never reach There is so much I will never see

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UW-Madison administration rides out apocalyptic Halloween weekend in fortified Mosse Humanities Building

By Chris Carlock | Nov. 3, 2016

UW-Madison staff and authorities took shelter in the Mosse Humanities Building over Halloween weekend as hordes of drunken students swarmed the capitol, an official UW-Madison press release stated. After the federal government declined the university’s request for National Guard assistance, UW-Madison administration fled Bascom Hall for safety within the thick concrete walls of the Humanities Building.  “They were stacking sandbags near the doors,” said UW-Madison student Rickey Hobbs.

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Walker plans to amp up racism, sexism to fill hole left by Trump in preparation for presidential run in 2020

By Jacob Borowsky | Nov. 3, 2016

Sources within Gov. Scott Walker’s campaign have confirmed early reports that Walker’s campaign strategy will undergo a major theme overhaul in anticipation of another presidential campaign in 2020. Though the election is quite a ways away, Walker and his team are already rebranding his image to more closely appeal to the base of out-of-touch, chauvinist and uneducated Americans he desperately needs to win the Republican primary. Specific details from Walker’s camp include reports that he has already settled on a new campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again, More.” The assumption here, one source said, is that the same Americans who supported Republican nominee Donald Trump will be even more supportive of Walker, because Walker wants to make America “even more better-er than Trump does.”  Other themes Walker plans on emphasizing are his new-and-improved racism, which will include repeating false and misleading statistics on crime committed by illegal immigrants and generalizing entire religions as terrorists. Walker will also heavily focus on his new initiative of building a massive border wall that is similar, but not quite the same, as Trump’s.

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Between the sheets: For the love of lube: some sexy, slippery tips

By Anna Welch | Oct. 31, 2016

This week I’m giving due credit to the unsung hero of sex--lube!  The concept of lube is pretty simple—put it on something you want to slide in and out of something else, and have at it.  But, there are a few caveats that are helpful to know before diving into the wonderful world of lube.  This slippery stuff has oodles of benefits that can make sex safer, easier and hella pleasurable. Unfortunately, many people believe lube is only for old ladies or people who aren’t “wet enough” on their own.

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Peers are appalled to find out that area man does not remember the Alamo

By Jared Holloway | Oct. 27, 2016

Freshman student Jake Varpa does not, in fact, remember the Alamo. The story surfaced in Varpa’s American history class last week, as the professor dramatically entered the classroom in full frontier garb, wielding a musket and shouting “Remember the Alamo!” The tragedy of the massacre is still fresh in the hearts and minds of all good Americans, so it was not surprising when the class became incensed, adding to his chant and even breaking out a Texan flag.

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