The Beet

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THE BEET

Harbaugh says team has spent hours studying tape from Wisconsin game after bitter defeat

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020

Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.

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THE BEET

Op-ed: How come UWPD didn’t display any of my definitely-not-racist gifts in their office?

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020

UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”

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THE BEET

Confused tourist racks up big hotel bill as he smashes all clocks in his room after clocks did not fall back as he expected

By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020

An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.

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THE BEET

Racism disappears from Madison completely Saturday morning

By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 12, 2020

Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.

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THE BEET

Slumber

By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020

With his face planted firmly in his sheets

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THE BEET

Chime

By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020

My bed lamp was my only companion, as I sat in anticipation

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Trump Supporters call for statehood of Puerto Rico after losing electoral college

By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 5, 2020

To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.

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THE BEET

List: Instances where counting all the votes is a bad thing

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020

If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party

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THE BEET

Trump campaign begins training litter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020

Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.

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THE BEET

Zodiac inspired Halloween costumes: Almanac Edition

By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 29, 2020

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

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A guide to celebrating Halloween during a pandemic

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 29, 2020

You can’t. It’s cancelled.

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THE BEET

Spooky Time??

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 29, 2020

As we embark on this spooky spooky time,

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THE BEET

Recognizing odds stacked against them, Fighting Illini resort to biological warfare

By Nick Rawling | Oct. 22, 2020

UW-Madison Football Team Rushing the Field to Avoid Contamination Using the Axe as Protection.

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Blank confronts students seeking to bar coronaviruses from Gameday gatherings with statement on campus inclusion

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020

As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.

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THE BEET

UWPD says outrage misguided since thousands spent on crowd-control weapons actually way less than they wanted to spend

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020

This week, UWPD made public expense records that revealed the department spent thousands on various crowd control weapons, such as handguns and pepper spray canisters, amid racial justice protests this summer. Many condemned the department for using university funds on such weapons, however, UWPD says the criticism is unwarranted.

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THE BEET

Girl who lives out of van to “find herself” is disappointed

By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 15, 2020

The trailer home Kelly thought she was getting.

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THE BEET

UWPD lashes out at ASM Chair with very high degree of confidence

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 15, 2020

In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.

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THE BEET

In lieu of canceled presidential debate, Fox News to just air ninety minutes of Trump screaming at a Mr. Potato Head

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 15, 2020

The Presidential Debate Commission has canceled the second debate, initially set to be held on Oct. 16, in order to curb the spread of the coronavirus after Trump yielded a positive test. A virtual debate was suggested to both the candidates, however, Trump declined because of some bullshit his team made up — I don’t even know.

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THE BEET

Coasties against climate change

By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 8, 2020

A wave of support for climate change legislation erupted from the streets of Madison last week in response to the string of wildfires on the West Coast.

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Johnson aides unsure how to tell ‘anti-mask’ boss that a moon suit is just a stupid mask

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 8, 2020

One small step for Ron Johnson, one giant leap backwards for mankind.