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THE BEET

UW-Madison students projected to fail in-person classes next fall

By Owen Shao | Apr. 22, 2021

The unprecedented shift towards remote leaning during the past year has called many academic practices into question. When considering the rigor of collegiate level education during previous years, the fact that a student is now able to take a shit while in discussion should serve as an indicator that educational standards have somewhat devolved. Now that the reality of in person classes is quickly approaching, experts are greatly concerned for the future academic output of the UW-Madison student body.

THE BEET

Mondays bartender fired for agreeing to make drink less strong

By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 15, 2021

In college, most students go out with one goal in mind: to get drunk as quickly and cheaply as possible. At UW-Madison, Mondays has long been the go-to dive bar to achieve this. Last Friday night, however, this sacred bond was broken when a bartender agreed to only pour one shot of liquor into a vodka cranberry. The employee was later fired once the customer finished their drink and was still found to be able to have a coherent conversation.

THE BEET

‘Hero’ cop accidentally reaches for taser instead of gun, tases self in the balls, dies

By Nick Rawling | Apr. 15, 2021

The nation is mourning the loss of one of its big beautiful boys in blue after Minneapolis police officer Jim O’Brien accidentally discharged a taser into his nuts and died Wednesday.

THE BEET

The Stone Staircase

By Ashton Jenks | Apr. 15, 2021

Wooded creaks and winds

THE BEET

College student relieved to not be receiving stimulus check

By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 8, 2021

A new round of Covid-19 related stimulus checks are currently being distributed to millions of individuals throughout the United States. While many people are anxiously awaiting the $1400, Rodney Leffler, who was claimed as a dependent on his parents’ taxes, is relieved to not be getting one.

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Major Biden cracks under pressure

By Hannah Ritvo | Apr. 8, 2021

President Biden’s German shepherd puppy, Major has been making national news headlines all around America for his involvement in two newsworthy biting incidents. While Major has been put on blast for these aggressive acts, no one knows or can possibly understand what the dog has been through.

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UW-Madison sees annual spike in 'post weekend denial'

By Owen Shao | Apr. 8, 2021

As the weather becomes more pleasant and COVID-19 vaccinations continue to rollout, a surge in weekend festivities can be seen throughout Madison, Wisconsin. Naturally, these festivities include heavy substance abuse in true Wisconsin-fashion. This annual springtime trend can be seen in places such as the “Mifflin Slums,” where the melting snow is steadily replaced with debris from white plastic tables and crushed Natty Ice cans.

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Five signs your father is having an affair with Lil Nas X

By Nick Rawling | Apr. 1, 2021

The release of the music video for Lil Nas X’s new hit song “Montero” on Friday triggered by far the best internet discourse since Trump has left office — RIP bozo.

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Memorial union to give students free MREs

By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 1, 2021

The Memorial Union announced today that students with a green Badger Badge will now be able to receive a free Meals, Ready-to-Eat. While meals are factory made and are not being distributed until the week of April 25, orders must be placed within the next week so that the packages can be sorted into boxes “when the vibe feels right” for the Union employees.

THE BEET

The Boston Bomber Has a Bad Day

By Nick Rawling , Gillian Rawling and James Ma | Mar. 26, 2021

Hey Almanac readers! We hope you enjoyed the special edition of our beloved column this week. The Almanac editors would like to opportunity to share some really exciting news: this section now has a podcast! (not at all related to our article published from a few weeks back about another mediocre white guy starting one) We’d love if you’d take a minute to sit back and enjoy 4 of UW-Madisons dullest students talk about random shit.

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Double ‘The Bachelorette’ seasons, Double the Fun

By Gillian Rawling | Mar. 25, 2021

Double ‘The Bachelorette’ seasons, Double the Fun

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Twenty-four hour spring break? Hell yeah!

By Hannah Ritvo | Mar. 18, 2021

Stress is in the air. Midterms after midterms are slamming students while they labor through their spring semesters online. Luckily, UW-Madison sensed this stress, and they are generous enough to give us a Friday AND two Saturday’s off of school! When asked about this altruistic decision, the Chancellor told us: “we just knew that a Saturday off would be super relieving for a lot of students — and we’re really really concerned about their mental health right now.”

THE BEET

Joe Biden says he won’t intervene in Tomato Town

By James Ma | Mar. 18, 2021

It’s been two years since content creator Leviathan uploaded the iconic “Chug Jug With You” to SoundCloud. The song instantly became a top hit on TikTok and is today considered one of the most influential pop songs of the 21st century. But even more importantly, the song sparked an antiviolence movement with its reference to the ongoing atrocities in Tomato Town and its lyrics encouraging love and peace, like “I really love to chug with you” and “La la la la la ee a.”

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Warner Bros announces sexy cut of Space Jam 2

By Nick Rawling | Mar. 18, 2021

After intense internet backlash following director Malcolm Lee’s decision to desexualize the image of Lola Bunny in the upcoming remake of the classic 1996 film “Space Jam”, Warner Bros has announced that a triple-X cut of the movie will be released later this year.

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Sesh with Becky?

By Hannah Ritvo | Mar. 11, 2021

Legal weed? What a game changer. Gov. Tony Evers has released a budget plan that proposes legalizing medicinal and recreational marijuana in Wisconsin. The UW-Madison administration has decided to wholeheartedly endorse this change when it comes.

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Interview with Tanner from the Phi Alpha Fraternity

By Gillian Rawling | Mar. 11, 2021

As I was browsing Twitter this week, I came across an unfamiliar face in the UW-Madison community. Member of the Phi Alpha Fraternity — notorious for excessive drinking and leaving mounds of trash on the frozen lake after dartys (as well as being completely made up). Tanner Smith left a tweet that piqued my interest: “Listen. If you abolish Greek life, who’s gonna do the dirty work of making Madison objectively worse? This city needs us.”