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Disclaimer: I fully recognize that this fruit is as low-hanging as it gets, and frankly, it feels like cheating for me to use it as Almanac material. But I had writer’s block, and my only other idea involved vivid descriptions of Ruth Bader Ginsberg banging Antonin Scalia in the Afterlife, so you’re welcome.
As mask mandates return, ICU beds fill to capacity with dying children and another soft lockdown looms, one issue is on the minds of Americans’ this week: important gains have been lost in Afghanistan’s Uruzgan province.
In what has become a somewhat-regular occurrence as of late, Sen. Ron Johnson, R-Wis, once again thrust himself into the national spotlight last week by saying something incredibly dumb.
The nation is mourning the loss of one of its big beautiful boys in blue after Minneapolis police officer Jim O’Brien accidentally discharged a taser into his nuts and died Wednesday.
The release of the music video for Lil Nas X’s new hit song “Montero” on Friday triggered by far the best internet discourse since Trump has left office — RIP bozo.
Hey Almanac readers! We hope you enjoyed the special edition of our beloved column this week. The Almanac editors would like to opportunity to share some really exciting news: this section now has a podcast! (not at all related to our article published from a few weeks back about another mediocre white guy starting one) We’d love if you’d take a minute to sit back and enjoy 4 of UW-Madisons dullest students talk about random shit.
If you’re like me and have no sex, you probably spend a lot of time thinking about Elon Musk, easily the worst person on the planet — yes, even worse than Tom Brady.
On March 1, the University of Wisconsin Faculty Senate passed a resolution urging the UW Foundation to divest from fossil fuel companies. But, before we take a victory lap, let’s flash back and remember that a similar effort failed in 2014 because it was too ‘divisive.’
After intense internet backlash following director Malcolm Lee’s decision to desexualize the image of Lola Bunny in the upcoming remake of the classic 1996 film “Space Jam”, Warner Bros has announced that a triple-X cut of the movie will be released later this year.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Forced to come of age in an era characterized by near-ubiquitous economic insecurity, ecological catastrophe and the slow collapse of a once-hegemonic empire, UW junior Brett Brungle has decided to confront his bleak reality the only way he knows how to: start a podcast.
In the midst of a record cold snap causing power outages and deaths across the country, some Americans with unmatched critical thinking skills are once again asking: How globe warming if cold outside?
Any football fan who’s been paying attention the last 20 years knew exactly how this was going to go, even if they wouldn’t let themselves admit it.
Ever since they took the caffeine out of Four Loko I’ve yearned for another drink I can buy from a gas station that has a not-insignificant chance of giving me a fatal heart attack. Needless to say, I was thrilled when I heard that Coca-Cola was bringing Coca-Cola with Coffee home to the good ol’ U. S. of A. after offering it abroad for years.
After being inaugurated as president just over a week ago, Joe Biden has already shattered the office’s approval rating record, which peaked at an unprecedented 97% after he decriminalized driving under the influence of alcohol.
According to the experts in Vegas — and anybody who knows a lick about Big Ten football — it’s incredibly unlikely that Lovie Smith and his Fighting Illini will be able to replicate last year’s upset victory over the Badgers this Friday at Camp Randall. According to football mastermind Smith, Illinois’ only chance to make it to Saturday without a humiliating defeat under their belt is if enough Badger players test positive for COVID-19 before kickoff that Wisconsin can’t field a team. Sure, it might sound like a longshot, but it’s way more likely than their forcing three turnovers and holding Badgers rushers to 3.6 YPC again.
After the tragic passing of feminist icon and 27-year Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg on Friday, President Trump and his GOP, a party of deeply-faithful Christians that cherish the sanctity of human life, have decided to honor Ginsburg’s dying wish and the precedent they set in 2016 that she not be replaced until after this Nov. 3 election.
On Wednesday, an anonymous report leaked to the press exposed President Donald Trump as a war criminal.
18-year-old Jillian Rollins has high expectations for her first year at UW-Madison. Although she’s a bit of a home-body, she’s excited to move into her dorm room: “I’m going to decorate my walls with cute little lights, and I’m lofting my bed to make space for a futon,” she told us. When asked if she was worried about having to share a bathroom with 30 other girls she told me she was “sure it will be fine.” Little does she know that later this semester she’s going to wake up at 2:00 a.m. to pee and ram her head on the ceiling for the third time that week only to find that literally every single toilet is already full of shit upon arriving to the little girls’ room. And there’s no chance she’s going to get anything to stick to the walls in Sellery.