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Saturday, May 08, 2021
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‘Hero’ cop accidentally reaches for taser instead of gun, tases self in the balls, dies

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The nation is mourning the loss of one of its big beautiful boys in blue after Minneapolis police officer Jim O’Brien accidentally discharged a taser into his nuts and died Wednesday.

The heartbreaking incident comes just days after yet another ‘officer-involved shooting’ when, according to the Minneapolis chief of police, another officer apparently confused their gun for a taser and killed 20-year-old Daunte Wright with a gunshot to the chest.  

Protests have broken out in the wake of Wright’s death, threatening the precious windows of nearby retailers. Late Wednesday night, a firefight erupted between Minneapolis police and mentally ill nazi teenagers with AR-15s after a spat arose between the groups over who had the right to use lethal force to defend the local Target from protesters. 

According to witnesses, O’Brien was attempting to unholster his firearm to eliminate someone who looked at him the wrong way when he tragically grabbed his taser instead — sending 50,000 volts of electricity directly into his testicles and dying instantly. 

“It was uncharacteristic for Jim,” said fellow Minneapolis officer Simon Kowalansky. “He graduated from our nine weeks of training at the top of our class and was probably the smartest guy I knew in the entire force.” 

After addressing the country and telling protesters to “leave Wal-Mart's windows alone, Jack," President Joe Biden has defied conventions by ordering not only that American flags be lowered to half-staff, but that they be replaced entirely by thin-blue-line flags. Biden has also renewed calls he made on the campaign trail for increased funding for police.

“It’s just so sad, because it could really have happened to any one of us,” Kowalansky said. “Tasers and guns just look and feel way too similar for us to be able to tell the difference.”

This shocking story will be updated as we receive new information. 

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