In his “Make College Healthy Again” tour of universities across the United States, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. made an appearance in Madison this week to examine meal options on campus. Kennedy left changing dining recommendations and regulations in his wake on earlier stops along the tour, and the University of Wisconsin-Madison was no different.
UW Dining and Culinary Services is starting their rollout of Kennedy’s revamped meal plan at the Memorial Union Terrace this weekend so his updated health-maxxing diet can reach as many Madisonians as possible.
Starting at the end of September, the Bottom Feeder Brat will be replacing regular grilled meat brats as well as the vegetarian alternative. The brat is about 65% Gordon Avenue Market mystery meat and 35% Lake Mendota carp, and is sure to more than meet your daily chlorine intake recommendation.
For an out-of-this world dinner, blast off to the Mercury Mart for locally sourced produce, meats and actual livestock for purchase that have been thoroughly processed and raised with significant amounts of mercury and other minerals to boost your immune system.
Secretary Kennedy told the Beet, “there’s a lot more mercury where that came from! Like, a genuinely staggering amount. There’s so much. It’s in everything.”
When critics expressed concern about some other parts of the new dining plan like Rhinelander-style hodag burgers and linoleum-aged blue cheese curds (that didn’t hit shelves blue), Secretary Kennedy rasped, “You people are always whining about small businesses and local grown nonsense. Now I’m giving it to you, and you won’t eat it! ‘I don’t want the green potatoes, Rob!’ Jeez, you really can just lead a horse to gatorade.”
Department of Health and Human Services personnel faced no questions about their jurisdiction on campus since it wasn’t even the fifth craziest part of the whole ordeal, but got a few Spotted Cows in them and told The Beet more about the expanse of the program.
“You just wait until Halloween. All those stories you heard years ago about kids finding all sorts of stuff in their candy? That was the soft launch, we called it Operation: Trick and Treat. The ‘Human Service’ we actually do is keeping you nutjobs on your toes; none of us actually know how nutrition works.”
