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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, April 23, 2026
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Bari Weiss to run The Beet following David Ellison’s purchase of the desk

The Beet will be available soon on ParamountPlus.com.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.  

Billionaire CEO of Paramount-Skydance David Ellison has announced plans to replace The Daily Cardinal’s Beet Editor and Chief Ethicist Dominic Violante with CBS Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss at a press conference yesterday afternoon. This follows his company's purchase of The Beet last weekend.

“My purchase of The Beet will surely drive profit revenue to Paramount-Skydance. This is an exciting new venture and I have full trust in Bari’s abilities to lead The Beet into a new frontier,” Ellison said at the press conference.

Violante seems to be optimistic despite his firing. 

“The Beet couldn’t be in better hands! If Bari can’t get the job saving UW as chancellor, at least she can save The Beet,” Violante said.

Violante also expressed gratitude for his exit package, which was a crumbled $20 bill and a slightly soggy room temperature ham sandwich, according to open record requests by The Beet. 

Ellison’s purchase of The Beet, and his subsequent ousting of Violante, has drawn praise from across the political spectrum.

“VERY exciting BEET is going to BE GrEAT AGAIN! VERY TRUTHIFULY DESK being saved from WEAK WOKE FAILGIN RAG!!! Faily Cardinal CANT AFFORD to keep BEET. SAD! Thank you for your attention on this matter,” President Donald Trump said in a Truth Social post minutes after the buyout was announced.

Left wing commies also celebrated the change in leadership.

“As long as Tony Donkopill is on the new Beet and doesn't criticize the reckless spending of the Madison Common Council, I’m fine with Bari taking the wheel,” student organiser Libby Demi said. 

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Dominic Violante

Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.


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