Mnookin gives herself historic $1 trillion farewell bonus, hiking tuition and putting the school $500 billion in debt (this is satire from The Beet for those too stupid to understand what a joke is)

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.  

Soon to be former University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin announced her plan to give herself a historic, never-before-seen $1 trillion farewell bonus following her plans to exit the chancellor’s office this spring, at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

This controversial plan would not only make Mnookin the world's first trillionaire, but also hike UW-Madison tuition by 847% and put UW-Madison roughly $500 billion in debt.

“After sifting and winnowing on my time here, at this pluralistic hallowed institution of free speech marketplace idealism, I’ve decided my tireless work deserves a reward. While you all might have to make some sacrifices, and get a bit uncomfortable in the process, such is the nature of modern higher education,” Mnookin said.

Mnookin was asked several questions about how this might affect students’ financial wellbeing and the future of UW-Madison. Mnookin ignored the questions and continued her tirade.

“Now, some might say I’m just a coastal elite who came here with no understanding of Wisconsin or the Wisconsin Idea, and my quick departure to Columbia is proof I was just using this university as a stepping stone in my career without regard for enriching the young minds coming here to learn and grow,” Mnookin said, before bowing and walking away from the press conference.

While some experts have criticized the plan, students seem to love it based on the like two or three interviews I did before writing this.

“Mnookin deserves it. Through her pluralistic leadership she has sifted this hallowed university into winnowing success,” said Mennifer Jnookin, a self-proclaimed UW-Madison student with long curly red hair planning on transferring to Columbia. 

Jnookin wasn’t the only student who reached out to The Beet to express their support.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. As a student who goes here, I think she’s done such a good job, and I’m glad she’s rewarding herself, although I do think part of her farewell package should be a raise for whoever that cool, handsome guy is coaching the Badger football team,” wrote Fuke Lickell, a UW-Madison freshman with the beard of a 52-year-old, in an email to The Beet.

---