All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers said the Wisconsin State Capitol will be replaced with a massive OpenAI data center, set for construction this July, at a press conference Tuesday afternoon.
“As Wisconsin becomes a hub for AI data centers, we thought our capitol should represent that. So, I’ve signed a $30 million deal to sell my capitol building to OpenAI. Holy mackerel folks, this former cheese factory worker is about to be a millionaire!” Evers said.
He went on to address concerns and frustrations the people of Wisconsin and Madison have expressed with his plan.
“Yes, I know several people are upset that even though I’m supposed to be an environmentalist, I’m supporting a data center which is terrible for the environment. Also, I understand that this data center will cause electrical bills for the people of Madison to increase by over 500%, but I’m retiring so go ******* your ****** and **** you **** too.” Evers said, ending his comments in a rant so profane my editors told me I had to censor it with asterisks which is a Daily Cardinal first.
This plan has drawn bipartisan criticism from Wisconsin politicians. In a rare display of bipartisanship, State Senate Majority Leader Devin LeMahieu, R-Oostburg, and State Senate Minority Leader Dianne H. Hesselbein, D-Middleton, blasted Evers. They pointed out that he "probably doesn’t have the authority to sell the capitol building on his own” and if he did, he “should’ve cut us in on the deal.”
Despite extensive research, the Cardinal cannot say for certain if Evers has the power to sell the building himself, but we will update this article when we find out.
When a Cardinal reporter asked Evers a series of questions about his ownership of the building, the governors responded saying “Quiet piggy, you look like a burp!” and thrusting his middle finger into the reporter’s face. He has not apologized.
The Student Bathroom-Sticker Coalition, the UW student organization that’s been putting those anti-AI stickers in countless bathrooms across campus, have strongly condemned Ever’s plan with a clever yet smug sticker they’ve slapped to the mirror of the men’s restroom in the basement of Vilas Hall.
When word of the sticker got to Evers, he responded with a series of Bluesky posts claiming the sticker is “off the charts ******.”
Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.
