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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, February 23, 2024
UW-Madison Police bathroom sign

Campus cops taking tips on torrid toilet use

Campus police are searching for leads to bust busters in Mosse Humanities bathrooms.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

A spree of lascivious lavatory use in Mosse Humanities left campus police looking for real public bathroom users to narc on students engaging in primal perpetual pounding in the toilets.

“It's becoming a safety hazard,” said UW-Madison Police Chief Kristen Roman. “We’re getting endless reports of faculty and students slipping on semen and sustaining injuries in Mosse.”

The penetrative perpetrators continuously evade the UW Police Department. Campus police are at their wit’s end but found money in their budget to purchase an armored personnel carrier (APC) to “decrease campus crime,” Roman said.

Students have raised concern over the excessive policing and inflated police budgets after seeing the vehicle stroll through campus. UW-Madison police spent $1.6 million on a Japanese- produced Type 96 wheeled APC.

UWPD said its new APC is necessary for effective crime prevention to end erotic exhibitions in bathrooms.

“If somebody looks out and sees a Ford Crown Victoria sitting out there, they may not take you very seriously,” Roman said. “But if they look at the window and see this thing sitting there, they’re going to know you’re serious.”

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