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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 28, 2024
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Hey, Morgan! My older sister is really annoying me. She’s obviously my parents' favorite and I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?

Eliminate the competition and your parents will have to make you the favorite.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Man, siblings don’t murder each other like they used to anymore. Fratricide and sororicide used to be so commonplace. You’re a younger brother but want the throne? You know what you have to do. Mehmed III of the Ottoman Empire killed his 19 brothers. NINETEEN, and you can’t get rid of one sister. Listen, I know things didn’t end up too well in Hamlet, but I doubt your sister has a whiny son who sees ghosts, so you’ll probably be fine. I also know parental affection isn’t the throne of Denmark, but some may argue it’s even more important. Eliminate the competition and your parents will have to make you the favorite. Lastly, if you get caught and try to blame me, remember I have an excellent lawyer and will never feel the cold air of a jail cell. Hope this helps!

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