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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 02, 2023

World just waiting for World War III to start already

After years of waiting for worldwide tension to reach its boiling point, it may be time to throw the macaroni in.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The first World War was initially coined “The war to end war” by author H.G. Wells in 1914. Unfortunately, that didn’t quite pan out. After a sequel and many spin offs, international relations seem to be reaching their boiling point, causing rising concern that World War III is imminent. 

Well, it might be about time to put the macaroni in the pot. On Nov. 15, a Russian attack — which primarily targeted Ukraine’s energy structure — was believed to also be responsible for a missile that landed in Poland, killing two people.

Though it is now being reported that the missile was launched by Ukraine to defend against the strike, there’s another lingering feeling held by many — at this point, just rip the band-aid off.

“It’s not that I want there to be a war, but if there is gonna be one, I’d like to get on with it,” said St. Louis grocery store clerk Jennifer Stozy. “I’m getting kinda tired of waiting around. If something bad is gonna happen, then let’s just fast forward to that part so I can deal with my shit.”

It’s possible that those in the United States are particularly open to the idea of war — after all, according to some, another Civil War is overdo. Still, the sentiment seems to stand worldwide.

“It’s goddamn ridiculous is what it is,” began Dublin firefighter Killian McClannahan. “We put up with all of this bullshit — bickering politicians, little baby boy Putin’s temper tantrums — it’s all just one big pecker measuring contest. At this point, someone’s gonna have to man up and either make things right or light the fuse. I think we know which they’ll pick, the gobshites.” 

Most people in countries that could potentially be caught in the conflict’s crossfire agree that politicians should make efforts to ease international relations. In the other lane are people who view a theoretical World War III as a potential blanket over what atrocious things their countries did during World War II. 

Klaus von Laufenberg provided his point of view.

“The world is like a marriage, okay? Sometimes you fight, but fighting makes you stronger. Sometimes it’s like ‘Oh, you kissed your father on the cheek? Then I will go ahead and cut off your tongue.’ Then snip-snap-snop, everything goes back to normal. See?” said Laufenberg, Hitlerly. 

It’s impossible to know at this point what it might take for countries to get boots on the ground. At this point, all the good people of the world can do is hang tight and hope all of the tropical vacation destinations remain untouched.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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