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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 29, 2022
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Trump announces presidential bid in effort to steal more classified documents

The former president is anxious about content in White House documents, no longer singing “Cats” soundtrack on toilet.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Former president and current elderly toddler Donald Trump announced his bid for the 2024 United States presidential race Tuesday night. In a party that seems to be championing Florida Governor Ron DeSantis as its next Republican nominee, it seems strange that Trump would put himself in a position to potentially get his ego bruised. 

There’s only one thing Trump has that’s bigger than his sense of self-importance — his desire to not get caught. It is now being reported that in addition to the 300-plus classified materials found in the former president’s Mar-a-Lago home, there are additional documents at the White House that he would like to steal as well. 

Those who know the hotel chain owner say he has become increasingly unwilling to take advice from those he once trusted, instead relying on his own wildly stunted instincts. 

However, there is a reason for this beyond arrogance — Trump knows what’s in those files, and it will be incredibly embarrassing if some of that stuff gets out. 

“He’s not acting like himself. He’s just not doing anything he used to do for fun like trying on silly hats, singing the ‘Cats’ soundtrack while he uses the restroom or even playing Yahtzee alone in the tub,” said one of Trump’s concerned advisors. 

The struggling businessman is also said to be behaving strangely around certain objects, including big red balloons, Russian nesting dolls, warm glasses of iced tea and each of his pet children.

Moreover, Trump’s aides have had to take special precautions with him during severe thunderstorms. This is allegedly because the stable genius is paranoid that something may happen to him which he had no qualms about potentially happening to former Vice President Mike Pence — being hanged in a barrage of bullets and fire. 

“When he gets afraid of storms like that, it’s a little dicey because nobody really wants to hug him. He doesn’t want us to hug him either because you can feel that he’s wearing an ab trainer. Instead, we ordered one of those tight outfits people put on their dogs — I think they’re actually called ThunderShirts — to ease their anxiety. The fit is a little awkward since it’s intended for a four-legged Burmese Mountain Dog, but Mr. Trump tends to fall asleep pretty soon after it’s on and doesn’t wake up again until we cut him out of it,” said an anonymous Trump aide. 

Donald Trump will hopefully be required to get a grip in order to have a legitimate chance at becoming just the second United States president elected to two non-consecutive terms. Seeing as the key word is “hopefully,” it may also be wise to prepare for absolute mayhem. 

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