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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 29, 2022

Abortion hypocrisy strikes Tim Michels campaign

New leak reveals the Republican candidate for governor is not immune from widespread GOP abortion hypocrisy.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

A recent leak out of the Wisconsin GOP governor campaign reveals that, despite his public anti-abortion stance, Tim Michels is himself an aborted fetus.

“There was always something off,” said University of Wisconsin-Madison student Garrett. “I mean look at those eyes — absolutely lifeless.”

This is only the most recent case of abortion hypocrisy among prominent Republican candidates. Georgia GOP nominee for U.S. Senate Hershel Walker was revealed to have paid multiple women he was sexually involved with to get abortions.

This leak from the Wisconsin governor campaign prompted a live broadcast public response from Tim Michels himself.

“I am not an aborted fetus,” said Michels through his gloopy face. “These are lies of the leftist media trying to tell you that I am an aborted incest fetus. This is fake news.”

The statement that Michels is an aborted fetus that arose from incestuous intercourse was not part of the original leak, but it is a credible component of this breaking story. 

“Look at his big dumb squishy head,” an anonymous University of Wisconsin doctor told The Beet. “You know that rotten pumpkin of a cranium will go ‘splat’ when you drop it. Michels is definitely an aborted incest fetus if I’ve ever seen one.”

It has also been anonymously leaked to The Beet that Donald Trump, who has been appearing in support of Republican midterm candidates all over the country, has been asked not to comment on Tim Michels being an aborted incest fetus because “[Trump] is not trusted to refrain from calling Michels ‘Fetus-Face Timmy’ or a similar disparaging nickname.”

This is a developing story.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is an Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal and also writes for the Beet occasionally. He is a senior majoring in Sociology with a certificate in African-American Studies.


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