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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 25, 2022
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Confused migrants showing up to Martha Stewart’s house

Stewart appears to have created a summer camp.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

On Sept. 14, a plane of migrants sent from Texas by Gov. DeSantis arrived at Martha’s Vineyard. This was to the surprise of both the island’s residents and the migrants, who were allegedly lured away from a San Antonio resource center with the promise of housing, help with immigration papers and work in Boston. 

After being taken in by a group of activists in the Massachusetts town, the story began circulating around the country. This has led to a small movement in which confused migrants who have misheard the news are traveling to Martha Stewart’s Katonah, New York home for safe haven.

As of the latest report, the television icon has taken in at least 40 migrants. However, she seems to have taken it all in stride. 

“When I heard my doorbell go off the first time, you better believe I didn’t think there would be a small Venezuelan family standing on the other side. But I was about to make lunch anyway, so I figured I’d at least make them a home cooked meal,” said Stewart.

That plan quickly failed.

“Before this family had even finished eating the coq au vin I prepared, a young man who didn’t speak any English came to my door. He had a hole in his shirt, so I invited him in to learn how to sew,” said the television chef.

Ultimately, Martha Stewart did not have the heart to ask any of the dozens of people in her living room to leave. 

FBI drone footage shows Stewart teaching her new guests how to make Scotch eggs, leading a doily crafting time and telling campfire stories over a warm, comforting flame. 

“Most people in this situation would’ve called the police as soon as a stranger walked into their home,” said FBI agent Chris Fuller. “But Martha Stewart is a different type of cat. She looks like she’s running a summer camp over there.” 

Stewart was informed of the confusion and the door remains open for her to have the migrants transported to Martha’s Vineyard as they originally intended. 

“As far as they know, they’re in Martha’s Vineyard. We’re all safe and having a bitchin’ time. There’s nothing to worry about — it’s a good thing,” responded Stewart. 

The Beet will keep an eye on Martha Stewart’s inevitable rise to cult leader. 

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