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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, August 16, 2022
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Planned Parenthood protestors begin picketing hospital rooms of childhood cancer patients instead of reproductive clinics

“We realized that our favorite part was creating fear in the vulnerable,” said one picketer.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Following the Supreme Court decision that eliminated abortion access as a constitutional right and immediately made abortion illegal in 13 states, millions are worried about what will happen if they get sexually assaulted, birth control fails or a much-wanted pregnancy must be terminated out of medical necessity. 

However, there’s another group that the media has largely failed to cover in the past week — Planned Parenthood protesters. For decades, these God-loving individuals have practiced the religion of love and compassion by waking up early to scream at people who are most likely buying birth control or getting a cancer screening. 

With one less avenue to judge strangers, the protesters were left feeling lost following the ruling. Thanks to some quick thinking — which may have been quick solely because it wasn’t thought through — Jesus’ least favorite children have switched to picketing the hospital rooms of childhood cancer patients. 

56-year-old Reedsburg native and long-time posturer Mindy Welton spoke to The Beet about the shift.

“June 24 was a great day, don’t get me wrong — I’ve gotta be honest about something though. I’ve missed so many events for these protests — my children’s soccer games, weddings, even my mother’s final breath,” began the estranged mother of three. “So as much as I love that healthcare is now even harder to receive, I can’t stop this nagging feeling that I’ve got nothing going for me anymore.”

“The group I’d protest with in Madison got together to think about what we loved about picketing Planned Parenthood,” Welton continued. “We ultimately decided that we flourished on creating fear in those who are most vulnerable.” 

The bunch drew inspiration from their personal lives to figure out the next steps.

“After someone recalled their own experience with childhood cancer, we all realized that this was the clear move,” concluded the woman who makes glaring omissions each time she participates in the sacrament of Confession.

Carried by a fresh wind, anti-abortion protestors around the nation have wasted no time gathering at their local children’s hospitals, even figuring out which rooms contain cancer patients who are too young to have ever been allowed on a roller coaster. 

“We had these chants we’d always yell outside of the clinic, so we had to get some new material,” said local leader John Allen. 

“Now we’ve got some real doozies. Stuff like ‘Kids who are unwell all go to Hell’ and ‘Toddlers with cancer belong in the river.’ That one’s kind of a slant rhyme, but it gets the message across,” beamed Allen with the pride of a super lame Paul Simon. 

In a new trend seemingly tied to the protests, recent data shows that more children have succumbed to their battles with cancer in the last week alone than the last three months combined. Though this is a sickening number of mortalities, more work will have to be done to catch up with the number of truthers who have died from what their families have described as “really bad colds” in the last two years. 

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There’s no telling when or if the picketing children's hospitals will end. Still, one thing can be said for sure — participants will never reflect enough to regret it.

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