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Tuesday, August 16, 2022
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Majority of Supreme Court justices verified to be musty cow urine personified

Ironically, these justices peaked when they were just a twinkle in their fathers’ eyes.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The U.S. Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade Friday. It’s difficult to make an original joke about this, as politicians have already been making a joke of women’s rights for centuries. Still, I’ll throw on my big girl chastity belt and give it a go.

In May, a draft of the opinion leaked. This prompted Justice Clarence Thomas to state his mistrust in his colleagues, saying “It’s like kind of an infidelity that you can explain it, but you can’t undo it.” 

A previous version of the speech obtained by The Beet continues as follows.

“The emotional toll that infidelity takes, whether it be between partners or colleagues, is far too heavy to take lying down. What happened to the glory days when it wasn’t infidelity in the workplace, but sexual harassment? We must allow tradition to return.”

On the note of tradition, Friday’s majority decision states, “The Court finds that the right to abortion in not deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and tradition.” 

While precedent has its place, the merit of making decisions based on over two centuries of incredibly questionable history should be up for debate — especially when applied to something as important as abortion. I mean, can you imagine how much better those six Supreme Court justices could have served this country had they themselves been aborted? Some individuals reach their peak when they’re just a twinkle in their father’s eye. 

People have to make decisions based on the progress they’ve made every day. It would be incredibly convenient if hungry adults could go up to someone breastfeeding their baby and ask to latch on for a quick snack. But because people develop for long after they’re born, they manage to find other ways to get food. Those who don’t are either shunned, jailed or very popular with a specific audience on PornHub. 

Justice Thomas as well as Justices Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett are the judicial equivalent of walking up to a stressed mother with a crying baby at a Starbucks and asking for a swig of breast milk. 

Like breast milk to an appropriately aged child, tradition can provide comfort. Cozying up with hot chocolate by a warm fire on a cold December night and drinking lemonade on the Fourth of July are two such examples that I hold dear. 

However, some traditions are meant to be broken. Maybe one Fourth of July when you were four you got what you thought was lemonade, only for it to taste super off. Maybe then you asked a group of adults standing by the barn what was in the jug, only for them to say it was cow urine. Now, 17 years later, you’re still not sure whether or not they were joking, and you’re too embarrassed to ask. Maybe you’re the only one who even remembers what happened.

Those in power want you to think that abortion access is the same as accidentally drinking cow urine. In reality, a safely-done medical procedure that betters the life of the patient is always lemonade. 

Keep protesting. Keep making calls. Get into their heads. In other words, never take the lemonade off the ice — if ignored, dozens of politicians will spit breast milk into it. 

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