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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022
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Police horse checked into rehab after working Mifflin

The officer was intoxicated after accidentally drinking from puddles of poured out liquor.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

It was another successful Mifflin Street Block Party this past Saturday. With an estimated 10,000 people in attendance, 45 arrests and one balcony collapse, this page in the annual party’s 53-year history is one to remember. 

Unfortunately, not all in attendance made treasured memories — or, more accurately, mysterious blocks of time that occurred mid-blackout that will come back to mind over time. Officer Sugar, a police horse who has no known history of drug or alcohol abuse prior to April 30, checked into rehab Sunday afternoon.

Eyewitnesses stated that the horse did not appear to intentionally get drunk. Rather, the officer was drinking from puddles formed by the day-long rainstorm. The runoff created by police officers dumping open cans and liquor bottles on the ground found its way into the puddles, making the horse black out before the day was done.

“For the sake of his reputation as well as that of the department, I would like to make it clear that Officer Sugar did not mean to get drunk on the job,” fellow policeman Paxson Molina, the horse’s patrol partner, said. “The guy doesn’t even allow himself more than two apples per day — he’d never choose to go out on a bender in any scenario, let alone when it could interfere with his job.”

Officer Molina stopped short of blaming the police who were pouring out full bottles of vodka and other hard liquors.

“As much as I hate to see a perfectly good bottle of liquor wasted, the officers were just doing their jobs,” concluded Molina. “If anyone is to blame for Officer Sugar’s intoxication, it’s the college kids who brought alcohol to a party.”

Because the horse weighs over 1,000 pounds, Officer Sugar is expected to be completely fine. Further, Officer Molina has confirmed that the hoofed policeman’s purely voluntary action of checking into rehab was made “out of an abundance of caution.” 

While the horse is confident that he will not turn to alcoholism, he wanted to take all possible steps to avoid it, as he’s aware that having to take care of a hungover horse “has to be one of the worst ways to spend a Sunday” for his patrol partner.

Though the University of Wisconsin-Madison community will be happy to hear that Officer Sugar is stable, city officials tell The Beet there is some concern that Mifflin could have a wider effect on the water system. A small amount of alcohol being present in tap water is not lethal, but to be safe, city officials ask that students not drink unfiltered water without a chaser for the foreseeable future. 

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