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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 25, 2024

Finals guide spring 2022

So, you didn’t fill out your course evaluation surveys — you’re safe here.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

  1. Smile and nod when the professor thanks you for filling out the course evaluation survey. Maybe you never clicked the link. Maybe you did, but exited out after clicking “N/A” for the ninth time. This school overestimates how much time we spend thinking about our professors and TAs. Unless, of course, it’s purely sexual.
  2. Bring an opaque water bottle to the exam room. Is it water? 32 ounces of borg? Maybe even a mimosa for those morning exams? Nobody needs to know and, frankly, it’s rude to even ask. Get crunk. 
  3. Prepare a script for the next phone call with your mom. Parents love to pry. Why do they need to know if your grades are so bad you’re considering dropping out? Avoid saying things like, “I’m legally an adult, so you can’t stop me” and “I see how bad this situation is, but I had a lot of fun getting into it” by writing out a script before your next conversation — and stick to it. Feel free to lie.
  4. Present your medical records to your class crush. STDs included. It’s now or never, baby. If they can’t handle you at your worst, they’re probably not interested in finding out about your best. Go for it — reveal it all.
  5. Have something to look forward to. Look, we’re in college — we can’t afford to just go on a month-long trip to celebrate being done with the school year. But whether it’s budgeting for takeout from Paul’s Pelmeni, going bar hopping or feeding into your squishmallow addiction, treat yourself.
  6. Remember to close your search tabs before leaving your apartment. Everyone goes down some really weird rabbit holes that they’d rather not have everyone within view of their screen know about — especially right before taking an exam worth at least 25% of their grade. Do yourself a favor and exit out of those pornographic Shrek memes. Or own it. It’s your prerogative, toots. 
  7. Consider finding a God. If all else fails, you might as well give yourself hope that things will work out once you pass away a long, long time from now. However, it’s important to find a place of worship that doesn’t serve dry donuts after the service. If you’re going to be on your knees for an hour, you should at least get Greenbush or, really, a meal — that’s just etiquette.
  8. Tell yourself that next semester will be better. Even if the course description, Rate My
    Professors reviews and your friends’ testimony say otherwise, there’s no way to know
    until you’re actually taking it. Let yourself have hope. 
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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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