Fox News announced that they are going to publicly broadcast the spinning of the Wheel of Outrage™. This wheel, or actually several wheels, have been in use internally for decades to determine what hosts will be mad about. Starting this week, they will begin broadcasting its spinning live as part of a larger cultural shift within the network.
“We just feel it’s time to be more open about our thoughts,” said Jesse Watters. “As proud conservatives, we’re not ashamed of what we think, what we say or what we do to retain viewership.”
The first wheel determines who they are going to blame, while the second determines what they are going to be blamed for. Most recently, these wheels landed on “the gays” and “ruining children.”
Other groups to blame include “immigrants,” “China,” “socialists,” “the Squad,” “college students,” “Muslims,” “coastal elites/liberal elites/globalists/jews” and more.
The issues wheel includes “taking your guns,” “abortion,” “spreading crime,” a section that has “political correctness” crossed out with “cancel culture” written above it and a section labeled “free space/taking your freedom.”
“We have a rigorous process here to determine what news is most important for the American people to hear,” said Tucker Carlson. “Our wheels have been instrumental in influencing every level of government; it’s time to share it with all our loyal viewers.”
The broadcast will be exclusive to Fox News+ subscribers. If you have cable, all you’ll have to do is turn to Fox News like normal. Thanks to various deals with cable providers, everyone with cable is automatically enrolled whether they like it or not.
An additional $10 will be added to your bill this month as a fee that will go directly to Fox News. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can call your cable provider and they’ll send a Customer Satisfaction Specialist to your neighbor’s home in two to three years.
Jeffrey Brown is an Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He also writes for the Beet.