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Thursday, May 30, 2024
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The Daily Cardinal to become a dual coloring book, porn mag

Your child is going to see boobs at some point — it might as well be because of us.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

April 4, 2022 marks the 130th anniversary of The Daily Cardinal. Founded by William Wesley Young in 1892, the paper was created to give students a voice that was both financially and editorially independent of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. 

Over the decades, the Cardinal has created a roster of incredibly impressive alumni, amassing dozens of Pullitzers, Emmys and other shiny awards that represent their world-class journalistic abilities. Sure, there’s also an anti-Vietnam War bomber or two in the bunch, but I know I can’t speak to exactly what I was doing in August of 1970. 

Anyhoo, the paper is now sifting and winnowing in a different direction. Effective immediately, The Daily Cardinal is beginning its transformation into a joint coloring book and porn magazine. 

It’s understandable that some may have questions. After all, the paper is financially stable, has a large and committed writing staff and holds a significant place in the history of Wisconsin journalism. Luckily, the explanation is simple — colors and orgasms are way more popular than news and state history.

Some may be concerned about The Daily Cardinal housing two formats that typically cater to two very different stages of life in one paper. To that, I say that little Timmy is gonna see boobs at some point, so it might as well be because of us. 

If The Daily Cardinal isn’t showing your kid boobs, they’ll just go look at them at their friend’s house. It’s best that if a child is going to see boobs, it’s on the streets, as that is where physical copies of the paper are found. 

Besides, adults like to color too. Frankly, it’s pretty elitist to assume that the average Jack or Jodie can’t appreciate a nice pubic bush one moment and debate whether a sun should be colored dandelion or goldenrod the next. 

To clarify, the paper will not be half coloring book, half porn mag cut straight down the middle. Rather, porn will be dispersed throughout. This is a tribute to journalism’s gripping and shocking nature. 

We hope that when readers are sitting at the dentist’s office filling in the blanks on a drawing of a bow-wearing cat playing with a ball of yarn, they get a little jolt out of turning the page to find a very different kind of cat playing with a very different kind of toy. When people see a smirk or hear a gasp, we want the first thing that comes to mind to be, “Oh, the new edition of The Daily Cardinal must be out.”

Anyway, back to the kids — many parents are uncomfortable enrolling their kids in public school sex-ed classes. Who better to learn about the naked tango from than a bunch of college kids who had Naturdays for dinner last night? These Dirty Birds are for the children.

Millions of people in the United States believe that the liberal media is brainwashing this country’s youth. As a publication with integrity, the Cardinal is making the statement that sources like The New York Times and the Associated Press are too afraid to come forward with — one can either be well-informed or get laid, not both. 

On the 130th anniversary of one of the country’s oldest remaining independent student papers, let one thing be clear — The Daily Cardinal fucks. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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