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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, April 14, 2024
Mark Fischer Supreme Court.jpeg

Senate determines Supreme Court nominee unqualified

Senators were put off by the lack of either pedophilia or sexual assault allegations.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After extensive nomination hearings before the Senate, the nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by Stephen Breyer, Ketanji Brown Jackson, was found underqualified due to her spotless record.

Despite the best efforts of Senate Republicans to accuse Jackson of supporting a pedophile, a look into her history revealed no sexual assault allegations, shady financial transactions or spouses who believe in QAnon conspiracies.

“It would have been a big plus for her if she was more openly insane,” said Sen. Ted Cruz. “We set the highest standards for the US Supreme Court and she just doesn’t have the brain-rot.”

“Her law degree cum laude from Harvard pales in comparison to the awesome stories Kavanaugh has about boofing with the boys at Yale,” added Sen. Lindsay Graham. “And the American people need to know how she feels about beer.”

Sen. Ron Johnson commented, “Her husband seems like a normal guy. He won’t fit in at all with all the Supreme Court spouses as they plan the assassination of Mike Pence.”

We reached out to Clarence Thomas for comment, but his office said he was unable to comment due to his death.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.

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