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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022

Elon Musk buys Twitter, complains about Dollar Tree price hike

The soaring price of Milk Duds has left Musk’s “boner killed” and his night ruined.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The New York Times reported on Monday that Elon Musk, the world’s richest man, has purchased Twitter for $44 billion. This puts Musk in the same league as Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who purchased The Washington Post for a measly $130 million back in 2013. 

Musk stated that one of his motives for buying the social media titan was to bolster freedom of speech, calling it the “bedrock of a functioning democracy.” This is an interesting change of pace from the guy who not only was ruled to have illegally fired a Tesla employee for trying to organize a union just three years ago, but also illegally prohibited workers from speaking to the media about Tesla — even about public information — without authorization.

Despite spending $54.20 per share for the platform, the SpaceX founder soon found it necessary to complain about Dollar Tree’s price increase from $1 to $1.25. While the hike began in November, it appeared to be news to the billionaire, presumably because the chain does not sell Soylent Green.

“Just stopped at @DollarTree. Was really looking forward to eating Milk Duds and popping in a Limp Bizkit CD, but noticed I’d have to spend more than $2 — my boner is killed and my night is ruined,” tweeted Elon “let’s launch a $200,000 car into space” Musk.

It’s unfortunate to see another rich person that would rather put their money into real estate or offshore accounts instead of spending their last $10 on a late night burrito like the rest of us. The entrepreneur has claimed to not take advantage of tax loopholes, but given that he criticized California for taxing billionaires too much, the statement doesn’t hold much weight.

That being said, it’s not inconceivable that Musk’s next move will be to purchase the dollar store chain and restore it to its 25 cents-cheaper glory. However, this is the founder of the company that’s charging $50,000 more to own a “Founders Series” Roadster, which appears to be exactly the same as the $200,000 base model. 

To be fair, the Founders Series does allow people to spend a middle-class annual salary for the bragging rights of being one of the first 1,000 people to own the vehicle. Therefore, if Musk does buy Dollar Tree, consumers can expect the first pieces of inventory — which would typically cost $1 — to go for the collector’s rate of $500. This is a great deal for those willing to throw away the recommended retail price of a brand-new PS5 for a damaged box of Cheez-Its.

While there’s no harm in planning for the potential future, for now, congratulations are in order. From his humble beginnings as the son of an alleged half-owner of a Zambian emerald mine to a multi-billionaire and new owner of perhaps the world’s largest news distribution platform, Elon Musk is truly a trailblazer and an inspiration.

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