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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022
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A new Democratic platform

No matter how far right the Republican party goes, I vow to remain in the middle.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Hey there! I’m running as a Democrat who wants to get things done. My strategy is simple, but no one has done it before: I’m conceding to the right.

The radical socialists in the Democratic Party run on things like free healthcare, raising the minimum wage and guaranteeing the safety of LGBTQ+ people. While I agree with where their heart is, I want to make things happen. That’s not possible without dropping all of these radical agenda items. The American people want change, not division.

It’s called “moderation” and it’s something we used to have in politics. While the Republicans have certainly become less moderate and they tried to overturn the election, we have to set a good example by meeting them in the middle. 

When they refuse to meet us in the middle because they’ve told their constituents we’re pedophiles, we have to keep meeting them in the middle — no matter how far right they go. It’s how you build lasting bonds, even if we disagree over whether or not certain groups of people deserve to live. That’s how progress happens. 

I want to be clear that I stand proudly with the LGBTQ+ community, as well as minority and marginalized people and communities around my district. I hope to represent them and bring their voices to congress as I allow Republicans to make their lives worse. It’s what they’d want me to do as their representative.

As we build a better future for our nation’s children, it’s important to ask ourselves who we are and what we stand for. Are we a party of empty platitudes and meaningless slogans like “fight for fifteen,” “cancel student debt,” “tax the rich” and “medicare for all,” Or are we a party that will bring real change to this nation through unity and a dedication to doing things the right way?

I know you college kids can be passionate about your little issues like living through climate disasters so destructive they can’t be imagined, let alone described in words. But the real word requires making concessions. You’ll have to learn sooner or later that you can’t get everything you want. Sacrifices have to be made — like your ability to see a doctor, your financial wellbeing or the lives of brown people on the other side of the world.

You may not believe me when I say this, but conservatives aren’t monsters. While we don’t see eye to eye on every issue, I have personally worked with many in gathering funds for this campaign. My odds of winning the primary and heading to the general election have skyrocketed with their generous support. So make sure to remember my name as the only Democrat on the ballot who can beat the Republicans — not with promises to improve your life, but with the guarantee I won’t even try.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is an Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He also writes for the Beet.

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