Who is Poop Johnson?

On the first day of the spring semester, I walked into my Italian Film lecture in the lower level of Ingraham Hall. Trying to avoid accidental eye contact with the professor, I decided to sit near the back, but not so far back that it created a “This person doesn’t want to be here at all” vibe — whether or not that’s accurate is irrelevant. 

Already, you may be thinking a couple of things. First off, “The satire editor for The Daily Cardinal is a film major? I thought she’d be trying to go to med school or working towards a doctorate in astrophysics.” Secondly, “It’s mid-March; why is she just now bringing up something that happened in January?” 

Well, to tell you the truth, that “something” has been weighing on me. 

When I sat down the fateful morning of Jan. 25, there were two words on the back of the chair in front of me — “Poop Johnson.” It was not written once, but several times. From that moment on, I haven’t been able to help but wonder — who is Poop Johnson? 

I went on a mission right away. Trying to avoid putting a photographer to work, I asked the editor-in-chief if the picture of the chair I took on my phone was acceptable, to which she replied by quoting Jason Joyce, who in turn was quoting Chase Jarvis. That was good enough for me.

However, as a former news writer and editor, I know a thing or two about journalistic integrity. Therefore, I decided to wait a while to see if my curiosity waned. After all, I couldn’t risk wasting space in the Almanac section, nor my readers’ time. 

Now, when I should be focusing on my midterm for that Italian Film class or spring break, the question of Poop Johnson’s true identity still weighs on me. Was it a nickname for Senator Ron Johnson? Nope, that’s too kind. Actor/former pro wrestler Dwayne Johnson? Unlikely — nobody smart enough to know how to write hates that man. Former NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson? He does eat a ton of McDonald’s, so the association with poop makes sense. However, nobody going to school in this country’s alcohol capital would dare talk bad about the late night/early morning delicacy. 

I have a paper to write. Studying to half-ass. I’m getting on a plane in three days to find a bit of footing in my future home. Yet, all I can think about is who that chair is referring to. Even if it’s a completely made-up person, I need to know more. 

In the scenario that that is the case, I’d ask the writer to reflect within — what purpose did Poop Johnson serve to them at the time?

I’m writing this at 9 a.m. on a Monday morning because I’ve decided that I can’t just move on as if it never happened. I know what I saw. After all, I still sit in that chair whenever it’s open to make sure that the words haven’t been removed.

Poop Johnson, you’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. If anybody has any tips as to their identity, please leave me a note outside of 2142 Vilas Hall. You can also email me, but handwritten things are nice and I’ll probably keep them. Please and thanks.

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