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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, September 29, 2023

Who is Poop Johnson?

Ingraham Hall’s captivating mystery has gone unsolved for nearly two months.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

On the first day of the spring semester, I walked into my Italian Film lecture in the lower level of Ingraham Hall. Trying to avoid accidental eye contact with the professor, I decided to sit near the back, but not so far back that it created a “This person doesn’t want to be here at all” vibe — whether or not that’s accurate is irrelevant. 

Already, you may be thinking a couple of things. First off, “The satire editor for The Daily Cardinal is a film major? I thought she’d be trying to go to med school or working towards a doctorate in astrophysics.” Secondly, “It’s mid-March; why is she just now bringing up something that happened in January?” 

Well, to tell you the truth, that “something” has been weighing on me. 

When I sat down the fateful morning of Jan. 25, there were two words on the back of the chair in front of me — “Poop Johnson.” It was not written once, but several times. From that moment on, I haven’t been able to help but wonder — who is Poop Johnson? 

I went on a mission right away. Trying to avoid putting a photographer to work, I asked the editor-in-chief if the picture of the chair I took on my phone was acceptable, to which she replied by quoting Jason Joyce, who in turn was quoting Chase Jarvis. That was good enough for me.

However, as a former news writer and editor, I know a thing or two about journalistic integrity. Therefore, I decided to wait a while to see if my curiosity waned. After all, I couldn’t risk wasting space in the Almanac section, nor my readers’ time. 

Now, when I should be focusing on my midterm for that Italian Film class or spring break, the question of Poop Johnson’s true identity still weighs on me. Was it a nickname for Senator Ron Johnson? Nope, that’s too kind. Actor/former pro wrestler Dwayne Johnson? Unlikely — nobody smart enough to know how to write hates that man. Former NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson? He does eat a ton of McDonald’s, so the association with poop makes sense. However, nobody going to school in this country’s alcohol capital would dare talk bad about the late night/early morning delicacy. 

I have a paper to write. Studying to half-ass. I’m getting on a plane in three days to find a bit of footing in my future home. Yet, all I can think about is who that chair is referring to. Even if it’s a completely made-up person, I need to know more. 

In the scenario that that is the case, I’d ask the writer to reflect within — what purpose did Poop Johnson serve to them at the time?

I’m writing this at 9 a.m. on a Monday morning because I’ve decided that I can’t just move on as if it never happened. I know what I saw. After all, I still sit in that chair whenever it’s open to make sure that the words haven’t been removed.

Poop Johnson, you’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. If anybody has any tips as to their identity, please leave me a note outside of 2142 Vilas Hall. You can also email me, but handwritten things are nice and I’ll probably keep them. Please and thanks.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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