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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, April 19, 2024

Students asked to wear chastity belts following return from spring break

“Those who flew down to Florida will have to wear the ‘That’ll let them boys know you’re still daddy’s little girl’ device for upwards of two months.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

On March 12, the University of Wisconsin-Madison suspended its mask mandate. This was to the great relief of those who have diligently followed CDC recommendations since March 2020, as well as those who never wore masks in the first place. 

Unfortunately for those who went away for spring break, one restraint has been exchanged for another. The university has asked that those who did not remain on campus last week wear a chastity belt to help prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. 

The guidelines as to how long impacted students must wear a chastity belt depend on the area in which they vacationed, as symptoms of some STDs show up faster than others. For example, those who road tripped down to Chicago will be freed after two weeks — typically enough time for garden variety infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea to show up.

In contrast, given that the state is one big ball pit of festering diseases, those who flew down to Florida will have to wear the “That’ll let them boys know you’re still daddy’s little girl” device for upwards of two months. This will allow for enough time for symptoms of diseases like HPV or syphilis to manifest (usually).

Given the popularity of America’s sketchy uncle state among spring breakers, many students will only be on their knees if they’re praying to Jesus.

“If I’d known that they’d make us wear these things, I would’ve at least worn a condom,” said junior Jack Morgan. “You put it in one random drunk girl with a God complex from Pennsylvania, then suddenly there’s a cage on your dick and she still has your sunglasses.” 

UW-Madison has not asked individuals whether or not they had sexual contact while on break. Rather, to prevent guys from pulling down their friends’ pants to determine whether or not they got laid, everyone is being treated indiscriminately. 

While some question the university for spending money on chastity belts for thousands of students, they are expected to see frequent use in the years to follow — after a quick wet wipe scrub down, the devices will be locked onto opposing athletes during their stay to prevent them from flooding Madison Tinder. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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