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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Lent causing local Filet-O-Fish population to near dangerous low

Demand for the McDonald’s sandwich may be endangering the future of the species

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Following a drop in hamburger sales on Fridays due to the Catholic tradition of Lent, 1965 saw the Filet-O-Fish hit McDonald’s fast food restaurants nationwide. Nearly 60 years later, the menu item is still going strong — unfortunately, a little too strong.

Filet-O-Fish, which primarily inhabit the Wisconsin River, are reaching a dangerously low population. Whereas the numbers reached a high of 200,000 in the summer of 2020 due to a sharp increase in nihilism, now that the number of practicing Catholics has rebounded, the population is projected to dwindle to 15,000 by the time Lent ends on April 14. 

“The sandwich has lived in these waters since I was a boy,” said Mazomanie fisherman Gary Newman. “Us normal folks have only ever been allowed to fish for them if it’s catch and release — the fishing rights belong to McDonald’s suppliers. Still, seeing less and less of those majestic creatures bobbing just below the surface breaks my heart.”

While there are Filet-O-Fish in other parts of the world, the Wisconsin River population has been counted as the most significant. Therefore, the news has prompted McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski to respond.

“This simply can’t continue. As one of the most treasured items on our menu, the Filet-O-Fish population must be allowed to flourish,” began Kempczinski’s statement. “To combat this, McDonald’s has committed to creating a facility in which Filet-O-Fish will be able to breed freely, allowing the species to be the force that it was just a year and a half ago.”

Kempczinski stated that once the numbers have reached a satisfactory level, the sandwiches will be reintroduced to the wild.

Given that the menu item has a gestation period of 10 minutes, repopulation is not expected to take long. The future is looking bright for the Filet-O-Fish and, in the words of Justin Timberlake, “I’m lovin’ it.”  

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.



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